Sometimes they come back.

Is it ok to lose track of who you were? People change, right? I did too, but in every horrible possible way. I lost track of who I used to be, I lost sight of right and wrong, I lost my reason for doing the right and I lost the ability to look past the moment and think positively. These last 6 months or so I have been avoiding to deal with the truth, which didnt really leave me as a happy person. So I spent almost everyday in a useless attempt to make myself happy. In the process of doing so, I made many spontaneous decisions - most of which were wrong and hurt other people, resulting in first of my many regrets. I hurt everyone I cared about and I hurt myself.

I'm stuck in the moment where I realize I'm turning into someone I dont want to, and their seems to be nothing I feel I can do about it. I'm scared, I'm losing control over who I am. I dont remember when I let my mistakes change who I am. I don't know when I started hurted other people. I dont know when I stopped thinking clearly. I'm scared. I cant find myself, who I used to be. I need to find myself.

I read somewhere that sometimes, you must lose yourself first to find yourself. 

Step 1 - Lose yourself Check

Step 2 - Find yourself In Progress

But no one told me there is a choice after step 1 - Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely.

So here what I'm going to do, bring back myself. I know most people choose to let go of who they were. But I wont. Someone once said - "Sometimes it's easier to start over than to fix your mistakes". So I'm taking the hard road. I'm going to find myself, fix myself and then fix every mistake. And why the hard road - cause I owe it to the people who love me. 

They say life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. I already made a decent human being out of myself a long time ago - not that long ago though - and now I just need to find myself. I guess I fell off the roller-coaster ride that life is. Journey to my own redemption - It's a long way back.

People lose their way. Sometimes they come back.

What Happened?

Lately I have been having weird dreams about desolation and loneliness. Like my best friend leaving me. Each dream is basically the same - I'm alone. Despair washes over me and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I'm lost. I'm at a loss of words. I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Save me. I'm pleading, I'm dying, I'm down on my knees trying. I'm in a black room. It's empty. It's cold. There's no way out.

 I need to talk, I need my best friend - but do I still have one? The words are building up inside and now I'm suffocating. I'm in a prison. Prison, whose walls were put up by me. There's no air. No light. No reason for trying. The worst prison is a closed heart.

What do you do when you dont have your best friend to talk to anymore?

I used to be a happy person, what happened?

Where are you when I need you? When all I need is a call? You dont have to make it right, but you can listen.

There is a weird heavy heartache. How do you get rid of that? Pain dies. Cuts heal. Scars fade. What happens to the weird heaviness you feel inside?

And I do everything possible to keep myself busy. Anything to just not think about it. Anything to ignore these pains. To ignore the sounds of my heart breaking. Cause if I find myself free, my mind will automatically wander towards him. Those haunting “What if?” questions. And in these empty moments of solitude are when the echoes of my heart shattering are loudest. And the pain hits me, rips my soul apart. And I feel like I’m being mind-fucked. And there is nothing I can do, just stay busy, not think about it.

And staying busy is killing me. It’s too much. Its taking my life slowly. Bloodshot eyes, feet have died and I’m pretty sure I’m going blind. Everyday something new. A packed day. Do assignments, talk to parents, friends, prepare for exams, worry for finance shit, help out friends. Too god-damn busy. A smile plastered to my face.

And every night I can’t sleep. And every night I take off the mask, take down the charade I play for the world to see. I can’t even remember the last time I slept properly, in peace. My life is a chaos. My mind is fucked and my heart is breaking every second of everyday. 

I used to draw, listen to music, cook. Passion, Art, Inspiration, where are you? I used to smile pointlessly and laugh. I used to be spontaneous. I did idiotic things. Suggested crazy pranks and carried them out. I had friends - where did they go? I used to be open. I talked. I danced. I was fearless, confident, happy. I used to be alive - what happened to me? Life just flew by me and now I'm just a ghost of who I used to be.

I'm helpless. I'm haunted. I'm dying. I'm alive. I'm barely breathing. I'm on a quest to find myself.

Once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

Just hug me and tell me that it'll be alright.

I found a reason to believe ♥

Today I realised yet again that life is not that bad. In fact, it's pretty good. So what if life is a bitch sometimes - most of the times, don't we all love to bitch around every once in a while?

Optimism is sanity and love takes away most people's sanity. Mistakes define people and regrets help make better decisions. And eventually all grudges fall apart, all the tears and pain make us stronger - you might find yourself alone in despair and maybe everything will go wrong giving you absolute no reason to believe in anything, but it’s only a matter of time before your fates turn around – There is only so much falling before you hit rock bottom, and the only way from there is up. Friends may have fall outs and fights, they might disappoint you and fail your expectations, but true friends will always be there for you and at the end of the day that is what actually matters.

Every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life. So if you love someone, give it your all - it won’t always work out but it sure as hell will be worth it. Life won’t always be easy, people leave, shit happens but it will be worth it - it always is.

So maybe you don’t get what you want now, eventually you'll get what you need. Maybe you work hard and not get that grade, maybe you embarrass yourself, date the wrong guy, bad haircut - years later you will laugh about it, all you'll have will be good memories. So if you lose someone you love, whether they leave you, move away or maybe buried six feet under - it will hurt at first till you think you can’t recover and when you do recover, trust me it won’t hurt, all you'll be left with would be beautiful memories. And sometimes it’s ok to be a train wreck.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I wished for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me all the tragedy in the world. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world.

This year I wished for love. My wish was granted.

For all I know, everything will be ok, maybe not today or tomorrow or even in weeks, but it will be. There may not be a happy ending every time but in the end you won’t have regrets, it won’t hurt to look back at everything. But not having a happy ending doesn't mean you won’t be happy. Happiness isn't a measure of success, or having everything you want – it’s a state of mind, of satisfaction. Little things matter, they make you smile. And that is the first step to being happy. 

Heaven on Earth' is a choice you must make, not a place you must find.

Sooner than it seems, life turns around ♥

HAHA I'm going to get you all depressed!

Oh my god – Sixteenth January is so far. I know most people die to come home and stuff but man I can not even begin to express how much I want to get back to Malaysia right now. Man this place is boring – no offence Riyadh, but seriously, I’ve been home like barely 2 freaking weeks and I haven’t done anything, or met most of my friends. There is no internet, no TV, no going out, no cinemas, no malls *yes, they are malls, ahmazing ones but I can’t go out, will get to that later* - I can safely say I have reached the limit of lifelessness. I dont even have anything to write about - I could update about me - but honestly I dont think anyone wants to read that. 

Well, I still am very uninspired so I'm just going to post a note I wrote long time ago - and guess what? TADA you all will get depressed after reading it - good luck lol.

We all hit rock bottom. And you know what sucks the most? The moment right before you hit rock bottom and you know that any day now you are going to hit it. Knowing is slow torture. Total mind-fucking. There is nothing like the feeling of falling towards the bottom, embracing the misery, the pain and all the disappointment. And you can’t just ignore it, or reality just comes down crashing. Trust me. Done that, been there. And I know everything will be okay, but I just don't believe it. I just can't, I don't see reason and my heart doesn’t feel it. This waiting for the moment when things fall back into place is hard. I keep breaking a little every day, and a little more slowly. And I’m trying not to let this entire masquerade of life to not let it change me, but it is just hard. It just gets f.u.c.k.i.n.g. harder every day. And I wonder why, what is the point of all this anyways. And you know what? The truth there is no point of all this - It’s just life; no one is supposed to get out alive anyways.

Sometimes people disappoint you - they dont mean to but they do. Like when your best friend doesn't call you on your birthday, when you fall in love but dont get love in return, when you work your ass off and dont score a grade, when you try so hard but your parents dont see. Yes, life is a huge pile of disappointments. You can either let it get to you and destroy you or you can let it go early on. Truth be told, it's hard to let go. After 18 years of my life, I think I just may have found the key to being happy. It basically involves not having any expectations from anyone because you know what? When people don't meet your expectations, it hurts. All expectations shatter to pieces and so does hope.

Anyways Fuck it, man I have this really bad craving for the McD quarter pounder or the KFC Zinger -.- I miss Malaysia.

Food is Love ♥

Btw, got anyone depressed? :D I'm feeling all evil.
Peace out Suckers x)

Mood Swings, Fuck you Life.

Heads Up - not one of my depressing blogs.

So earlier I said I pretty much feel nothing today - well you can guess that changed, so here I am blogging about it. Man I have blogged a shit lot today - well is nothing to do anyways.

So, I'm chilling in my bed, listening to music and guess which song plays - well "just the way you are", then “chasing cars” and finally “500 days of summer” before I finally decide to shut off the music. These forsaken songs are the paramount of all depressing songs. Realizing that you can’t ever have that one person you love sucks. Not that I didn't know it, as realization is acceptance, not knowledge - so realization hits me over and over again and it sucks. Aghhh! Fuck why does life gotta be so hard, so fucked up?

It’s like life likes to fuck around with all of us. So I’m back to square one - heavy heart ache but on the positive side I don’t feel lost - no wait, maybe a little. Fuck you life -.-

I feel so angry right now – why? The cherry on top of my previous feeling – drumroll please – of course my mom. Blah blah blah - mom stuff.

Anyways, well 15 min later – my sister cheered me up. How so? Well, she called my name and I gave her the “ I'm in the mood to kill, what the fuck do you want” look and yeah the look on her face after that pretty much made me laugh.

It’s like life is fucking with my head and making me PMS 24/7!!! The entire day I went without any crazy feelings - but now it's like I got the entire days doze of feelings and mood swings in one hour. Whatever, well on the bright side mood swings give me inspiration or at the very least something to write about.

Inspiration wont always hit you during life-changing moments, sometimes it creeps on you in moments of solitude - you just gotta wait for it ♥ 

Peace out ♥

Random ♥

So since my today's blog was highly, extremely boring, so I'm going to put up one of my drawing ♥ Let me know if you like it :) Not my best work but whatever ♥ Click to enlarge

Inspiration, where are you?

I feel neither inspired nor lost today. You know those days that just pass by you without anything momentous happening - well, today is one of those days. I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. I don't feel lost, neither have I found myself yet. The day is just flying by me - and ok, before I make everyone lose interest and like fall asleep, so news : I don’t think I have any. Oh fuck it.

I guess not every day things will inspire me. I don’t have to feel inspired to write something – who am I kidding , of course I need to feel inspired – and since I’m all blank, so I’m just gonna write one of my absolute favourite quote

"Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back."

Inspiration, where are you? 

What the future holds ♥

Heads Up - this one is a long blog, but maybe probably it'll be worth reading

Knowing and believing are two different things. Knowing is when the mind knows it, but believing is when the heart knows it. Knowing something means having knowledge of it, but believing something means accepting it. Often, I have trouble believing what I know. I stay up nights trying to find a reason to believe, trying to find answers to the repeating questions echoing in my head. Somethings been bothering me lately like a lot - I still have to figure out what the hell it is. You know the weird heavy feeling you get sometimes? I'm having one of those and I just cant fucking figure out why. Also, I have no idea where my life is going. Its like its all planned out, but we all know plans never ever ever ever go how they are supposed to, so I guess I'm just a little afraid of what the hell life is gonna throw at me next. 

Anyways, moving on to less depressing things, theres this quote that I'm in loove with, it bye William Shakespeare, not that I read his crap *no offense to him* -

William Shakespeare quoted, “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat and we must take the current when it serves or lose our ventures.” 

This quote is the answers to at least half my questions. Life is short and opportunities are rare and I believe one has to be vigilant in protecting them and not just the opportunities to succeed but the opportunities to laugh, to see the enchantments in the world and to live. Because life doesn’t owe us anything. As a matter, we owe something to the world.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. So believe in yourself, everyday, and every moment of your life, never give up. It won’t always be easy, but it’ll be worth it, so keep trying till you achieve your dreams. If there is no path to follow, then create your own and leave your trails behind. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Limitations live only in your minds. But if you use your imaginations, your possibilities become limitless. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.

Katherine Anne Porter once said: There seems to be a kind of order in the universe... in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own.

I know I dont know shit about what the hell is gonna happen in the future, but I guess that is just the beauty of life ♥

Need to Blog, to Express ♥

Long time. I know. I got into a university in spite of my continuous panic, went abroad, went through 5 months of heaven and hell, now I'm back home. And you know what? I dont regret a moment of it - all the drama, the pain, the new friends, the loneliness, homesickness, and life stuff you know. But why am I blogging? Because I found the need to, because there are words I need to express, but I dont think I can trust myself to tell them to people, I usually fuck up my words while speaking - ok, not usually, only around one person. Anyways -


Every now and then I find myself lost, my life twirling about me. Every now and then, just like right now. Everything is flying around me, like I'm stuck in a moment, yet all other moments are fleeting, slipping through my fingers. And Im left wondering about things that could have been and things that still can be. But each decision I take there will be consequences, but which decision, which consequences will I be able to live with? Life is hard, making decisions is harder. I feel lost, confused and I dont know what the hell I want or need right now. How do you choose? How do you know whether or not there will be regrets later? I have my entire life planned - yes, literally entire life, yet somehow I dont know what I want or need. But it is alright I guess, I mean its just life. Arn't we all a little lost every now and then? ♥

Life flies by, and I still dont really know where I'm headed ♥

And Im left wondering yet again.

People that matter, maybe too much ♥

You know today I realised I have amazing friends and people in my life. They just make it so much easier for me on most days. When its hard and beaten down and when I can barely remember how to smile, they are always there to make me laugh. Like today, I was on my way to getting all emo but this friend *umm lets say AR* made this krazy group convo where me, AR and this guy *umm RHF :P* and we were trying to persuade him to take us shopping... n i swear I think I got high or something and he was like "My dad will kill me" and i went -- "Not if we kill him first" LMAO! and the list of other stuff which are making me smile right now as I'm thinking of them. Lol srsly, my face is like glowing or something and I cant stop smiling :) I swea rhf guy is prolly wishing i were a guy so that he could beat the crap outta me and ar, cause honestly man we are driving him krazy.. lol. I have these great friends and these spontaneous, makes-me-smile-when-i-think-of-them memories. I've bin in a better place lately *I dont even remember why the fuck did I want to ever die?* You know after some time the pain decreases and u barely feel the stabbing anymore :) I've an amazing guy that I'm in love with and who loves me back, a perfect baby brother who loves me krazily and great friends. I guess its worth to hang in the pain cause one day you'll wake up and it doesnt hurt that much anymore. One day it gets bearable and then it stops mattering, you move on. One day you just get sick and tired of being sad and tired of feeeling the pain and then you feel something new, and in that moment you realise you're actually happy. But it feels so wrong only cause it's so new. Damn, I love this feeling :D

My friend tagged me in this note on fb and I love it, definitely inspires me :)

Dear pain,

Thank you for making me the beautiful person that I am. Thank you for teaching me everything I know. Thank you for showing me that God is just a prayer away. Thank you for turning my weaknesses into strengths, my precious moments into memories, my heart into a beating drum, my eyes into a well, and my body into a castle that holds a wealth of stories on every corner.

Right now, all I can do is kiss you goodbye, because what I'm sure of is that from his wounds, an oyster builds a pearl.

Sincerely,

Broken down, but getting up again! 

I think i'm gonna go eat. I still sleep a lot. I slept 37 hours in 3 days. *I knw too damn much* I'm going to eat. and yeah u depressed people out there check out this douche bag on fb *youtube actually* -- Awais Ayoub add him up :P and check him out on youtube too http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=561rbfFQSkQ&feature=related

Sleep. My Escape?

I've bin sleeping a lot lately. Mostly cause waking everday means dealing with the fact tht m leaving and it hurts so bad, and this is one feeling i cant block out even if i want to. Each day i wake up is one day closer to the day i leave. All I wnna do is sleep and never get up. I dont feel like cooking anymore, or doing anything else. Why does this have to be so hard? I hvnt even talked to him in 2 days and I miss him already, how the fuck will I survive there? Uhhhhh this is so hard!! And just thinking of this gave me a headache. I hate leaving. I dont like being so so so much in love. I dont like needing someone this damn much. What do i do?

I keep pushing him away lately. At least thts what my minds telling me to do. Thats wat i do everytym something happens. I just strting pushing away people and I'm trying so hard ryt now to not push away him. Cause its absolutely killing me. I wnna spend every sec of each min left with him. Oh god whatever. I feel so torn apart. I push him away, my heart tugs on harder. I want to stay, but I wanna leave too. I need him, i hate needing him. Why? Why does this have to be so COMPLICATED? :( this love is killing me!!! Theres a knife stabbing my heart over and over again and the pain seems to keep increasing. There are days i dont feel the pain and days it just kills me. Every once in a while I'm sad. All the other times, I'm drowning. I'm sick of feeling this way. Why cant i just be happy? Why wont life just let me be happy? Ugh So many whys. So mny unanswered questions. They said life is hard. Truth is its almost impossible. Kills you every second.

I just gave up.

I've bin in a bad place lately. Basically cause I got accepted into Univeristy of Kuala Lumpur. Its ironic. Why? Cause a month ago I was depressed I din get into any university. And now when I get in, I'm depressed that I gotta leave. I was going through this folder of mine with all my certificates and results and the university application forms, the forms I never filled out, regardless the fact that they were my dream universities. I feel like I've given up my dream. Blah I dont feel like blogging anymore =_= I just gave up. It hurts. And is actually on the list on my regrets, which btw is a small list. I worked so hard till like 10th and then just gave up. whatever =_=
The lyrics that I keep listening to over and over again -- These feelings won't go away. They've been knockin' me sideways. I keep thinking in a moment that time will take them away but these feelings won't go away. Citizen Cope - Sideways

-Hanging in There

If these walls could talk ♥

If these walls could talk, they'd tell you exactly how many times has the glass been smashed and my blood smeared across them. They'd tell exactly how many tears I have cried and how many times this hearts been broken. They'd tell you everything I have been through. And that how close I am to breaking down, fading away. I could say I feel hollow inside, but truth be told, its a lie. The turmoil of my feelings inside are keeping me so emotionally off balance. My hearts aching. Aching so bad. It hurts. I cant find the words to describe the extent of the pain. Its aching. Aching to be stabbed. I would do anything to let the pain flow out, you know? The heartache? Has anyone felt it? Cause its killing me. I keep telling myself I can make it out of it but I just cant. I can hear the silent yet desperate pleas of my heart. Desperatly begging to take away this pain, anyhow. If death can do it, then so be it. Cause the idea of death is more appealing than this pain.
Being in love can be so hard. Loving your friends. Loving your family. Loving your guy. Its painful. When first I heard "Do you know" by Enrique Iglesias, the line "Do you know how it feels like to love someone, whos in a rush to throw you away?" barely meant anything to me. And now its the rythm to which my heart beats. Yes, being in love is hard. The line "This love is killing me" from Daughtry's song "Its not over" keeps echoing in my head in a mindless rythm. Imagine loving someone with all your heart and soul, and then you have yo leave him. Its hard. Its hard, not impossible. Now, imagine promising yourself that you're never gonna fall in love again after breaking off an almost 3 year relationship which killed you. And then you lock up your heart. Put up these unpenetrable walls around your heart. And then you fall in love. Swear not to tell the guy, but he makes you tell him. Then you get together with that guy, but instead of just letting yourself falling deeper in love, you fight that overwhelming feeling every second of every day and at the end of the each day, you realise that you've just fallen deeper and deeper. And when you think you cant fall any deeper, you do. You cant find even one flaw in him. And everything he does, just makes you fall deeper. Now a part of your heart is fighting the feeling of falling, yet another part is just telling you to give up. And eventually you do. You dont let him inside, but somehow he enters through the foresaken lonely walls of your broken heart and understand you, becoming your saving grace. Then you start to need him, need him insanely. It kills you to even think of losing him ever. And you dont tell him either how much you love him or how much you need him. Now... you have to leave this guy, with the only reason for the breakup as your moving to another country. All he talks about is how will you leave him. And how all the girls hes gonna be with after you leave. About all the beautiful, picture-perfect flawless, better-than-you girls. Now, this is what I call impossible. Dealing with this everyday. Dealing with the pain, the thoughts. It hurts like fucking crazy.
Trust me, never stop yourself from falling in love, you'd just fall deeper than normal people. Its insane. The need. The love. The pain.
My eyes are numb from crying. My hearts a mess. This heartache is killing me. I barely smile anymore. I just need a good hug. I need to cry it all out to someone. I keep saying "I'm ok". Normally, I can fool my heart into believing that but not this time, heartache is too much.
I fell too fast, too deep. ♥

Just Breathe

-xoxo

Fear Changes Everything. No Fear ♥

I dont have anything to write about today so I'll just post one of my old writing XD Its about -- wait for it --- Fear. Its not that bad :P *self-flattery* PS I'm happy todayyy :D

Fear changes everything. There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you have got to do is figure out what you're afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it. It's hard to fight the things we are afraid of. Sometimes we just need a little help.

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. When you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember; it’s only in the black of night, we see the stars, and those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, stumble and fall, because most of the times the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most; because it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the  h e a r t a c h e   and fear of what life has.

Life's funny sometimes and can push pretty hard, like when you fall in love with someone, but they forget to love you back. Like when your best friend and your boyfriend leave you alone. Like when you pull the trigger or light the flame and can't take it back. In sports they call this 'stepping up'. In life, I call it pushing back. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny.

Take a look at yourself in a mirror, who do you see looking back? Is it the person you want to be? Or is there someone else you were meant to be, the person you should have been, but fell short of? Is someone telling you can’t or won’t? Because you can. Believe that love is out there. Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do. Sometimes happiness doesn’t come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life. Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do. So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be. Believe that. And let go of the fear. Maybe you'll get everything you wished for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you? The road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination. 

Lalalala --- Cheer Up, Life is Short.

And yeah, I also feel very much in   L O V E   today ♥ :)

-xoxo