What Happened?

Lately I have been having weird dreams about desolation and loneliness. Like my best friend leaving me. Each dream is basically the same - I'm alone. Despair washes over me and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I'm lost. I'm at a loss of words. I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Save me. I'm pleading, I'm dying, I'm down on my knees trying. I'm in a black room. It's empty. It's cold. There's no way out.

 I need to talk, I need my best friend - but do I still have one? The words are building up inside and now I'm suffocating. I'm in a prison. Prison, whose walls were put up by me. There's no air. No light. No reason for trying. The worst prison is a closed heart.

What do you do when you dont have your best friend to talk to anymore?

I used to be a happy person, what happened?

Where are you when I need you? When all I need is a call? You dont have to make it right, but you can listen.

There is a weird heavy heartache. How do you get rid of that? Pain dies. Cuts heal. Scars fade. What happens to the weird heaviness you feel inside?

And I do everything possible to keep myself busy. Anything to just not think about it. Anything to ignore these pains. To ignore the sounds of my heart breaking. Cause if I find myself free, my mind will automatically wander towards him. Those haunting “What if?” questions. And in these empty moments of solitude are when the echoes of my heart shattering are loudest. And the pain hits me, rips my soul apart. And I feel like I’m being mind-fucked. And there is nothing I can do, just stay busy, not think about it.

And staying busy is killing me. It’s too much. Its taking my life slowly. Bloodshot eyes, feet have died and I’m pretty sure I’m going blind. Everyday something new. A packed day. Do assignments, talk to parents, friends, prepare for exams, worry for finance shit, help out friends. Too god-damn busy. A smile plastered to my face.

And every night I can’t sleep. And every night I take off the mask, take down the charade I play for the world to see. I can’t even remember the last time I slept properly, in peace. My life is a chaos. My mind is fucked and my heart is breaking every second of everyday. 

I used to draw, listen to music, cook. Passion, Art, Inspiration, where are you? I used to smile pointlessly and laugh. I used to be spontaneous. I did idiotic things. Suggested crazy pranks and carried them out. I had friends - where did they go? I used to be open. I talked. I danced. I was fearless, confident, happy. I used to be alive - what happened to me? Life just flew by me and now I'm just a ghost of who I used to be.

I'm helpless. I'm haunted. I'm dying. I'm alive. I'm barely breathing. I'm on a quest to find myself.

Once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

Just hug me and tell me that it'll be alright.