Still depressed. the feelings are overwhelming me. All I want is death. I just feel like I don't know anything anymore. Do you know how it feels when you look into the eyes of someone you love and see the you are their greatest regret? The regret that killed that someone. And the pain of knowing you are just disappointment to people who love you and whom you love? and the self-disappoinment slowly kills you. But then again it doesnt matter cause you are dead inside. But Why? Why do you still feel the pain? Why is the stabbing not going away? And all the other Whys haunting you. Grief is a maddening feeling. I just cant do anything anymore.
To describe how I feel, I'll just post a note I wrote 9-10 mnths ago cause I'm back to feeling this way ---
I can’t do it and even worse I don’t know why I can’t do it. Whatever happens, I would always have my concentration, full control of my mind. Things have changed, as far as I know it’s not for good or for my best. I miss being in control. I can’t write as I used too; usually words would flow into the page, I could pour out my heart out, empty out all my feelings. At least, I could draw; just take out my frustration, pain and anger. These things just don’t happen anymore. I stare at the blank page, my mind numb. I’m tired now; I’m sick of holding it all inside, I’m drained of all my power, I don’t want to be strong anymore, I want to let it out but I cant trust any one. Cause I'm afraid they'll see me for who I think I really am. I'm a murderer. A haunted lonely one. These pages can no longer fill up my loneliness. I could use a tight bear hug, a shoulder to cry on and some one to just talk to, without any judgements. But I got these walls around my heart, I’m scared someone will enter my heart and then rip it apart over again. I am afraid; I don’t know who to trust. I’m afraid I’ll get attached, then I’ll miss those people and they won’t miss me back. I’m scared if I trust someone, they’ll break my trust, betray me. I feel tired, dead. I’ve lost all inspiration. I’m fighting a battle; truth be told, I’m losing it. I can feel my soul going into the darkness. I'm afraid they'll look into my soul. Its not pure. Niether is my heart. I feel lost. I need a guidance angel. I can’t explain. It’s hard. I am losing my faith. I don’t believe in happy endings anymore. They told me it will be hard. That’s a lie; it’s impossible. Holding on everyday, when there is no hope, just pain, I guess it’s not worth it. I’m struggling inside. People probably think its pathetic how depressed I am but they don’t know how it feels; just because I don’t talk about it, it doesn’t mean that it’s not serious. It’s not just bad; it’s horribly painful. I got no one. I feel caged. My death would be a caged one. l can’t wait to be free. But I know I'll never free my soul, its trapped, tied down with guilt and regrets. I wish someone would save me from my demise. Or just kill me.
only death can free this pain
Bleed Black
-xoxo
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