Last night, I had the worst sleep of my life. Make that last morning. lol. I slept around 7:30 am or maybe 8. thn woke up at 9:00, thn 9:32, thn 10:00, thn 11:27, then was lying in my bed half-sleep, half-awake till 1:27 or maybe that was 1:47, but whatever, the point is it SUCKED. It was a fitful sleep, extremelyyyy annoying. Just of thinking it makes me all annoyed. And to top off that sleep, I got weird dreams *which I dont remember what they were, but i remember their weirdness*.
I am so freaking pissed off today. Reason? TUTORING. At the back of my mind, this is what my head screams loudly, "FUCK You KID!!! fuck YOU!!! I want to shove your dumb-ass REPEATING, P O I N T L E S S questions up up your own ass. FUCK you!!! You'll fail n it'll be MY FAULT!!" Dude, this kid is like dying for attention or something, its cute at first but when the kid becomes overly desperate for attention. It is not cute. Just Annoying. Fucking annoying. Man, Kill me someone. He is in 4th. He knows addition and today he asked me " 0 + 2 = 2, right?" He knows the answer. He just HAS to ask me. It was more like he is statiing it, and I have to agree with it. I was eating and he called me to STATE 0 + 2 = 2, just so that I agree with him.
Never. Teach. Kids.
You cant even begin to imagine the bliss I felt when his dad came and he left. *sigh* peace, well only till when the next student comes, which is at 9 00 or 9 30 pm. I tutor like 6 to 8 hours everyday and my mom goes like "You do no work". and i'm like... Srsly? That's ALL she has to say after the 8 hours of torture I go through? Ok, that's not all. It's usually an extended version, ending with telling me what a useless person I am. Add a variety of other insults along with that. Moms *roll eyes* :P
Sometimes *most of the times* I feel like pretty low about myself. My self-esteem is probably negative *If thats possible*. I'm not pretty enough. Not a good daughter enough. Not a good student enough. Just Not Good Enough. I feel like I'm some major disappointment to my parents. and to everyone else sometimes. Today is just one of those days where I'm frustrated and I don't feel good enough about myself. I wish I was perfect. (well who doesnt wish that?)
But the truth is I'm not perfect and probably will never be. I'm flawed. Sinfully flawed. But I keep trying over and over again. And still I'm just not good enough. Ok, getting too depressed here thinking of it more now. So I guess, I'll talk(write) about something else. Oooo does anyone like butter crossaints? ♥ Man I love love love love *ok too much of love* them. They are so damn delicious. I love eating and I love cooking. I love feeding people. I use force if I have too :P
Food is like a huge, and when I say huge, i mean HUGE, blessing ♥ Lol, everytime I'm depressed,I eat(not everytime, in certain types of depression, I just cant eat), and I cook. Mostly Pasta :D This is gonna sound a little childish but i'm gonna write it anyways --- when i grow up/when i'm done with my BBA *this one sounds bttr*, I so am gonna open up my own restaurant. That's my dream *aww dreams* (PS i love awww-ing, I literally aww at everything). My mom says I won't do it. And just the same,I'll do it to proove her worng :D It's not like she doesnt love me (of course, she loves me, i am so loveable :P *self-flattery*), she just seems to have an affliction for prooving me wrong or discouraging me. Anyways, the restaurant -- I want to open it firstly here where I live. No place like home. (even though its not my home country, but I love it all the same, nop, actually more). I love cooking. My idea of a perfect meal --- Chicken Manchuriyan with Chinese Rice, Dessert - Blueberry or Strawberry CheeseChake. Ok, now I'm feeling hungry 0.o I guess I'll go cook :D It'll help me feel better about myself too :D ♥ ♥ ♥
Cute Right? ♥
Wow almost 9, Ugh! Time to tutor. I'll guess I'll cook later. My friends' high school graduation is coming up. I was supposed to graduate with them. I'm not. That depresses me. My graduation is I think 1st of July. I changed schools, some issues about the subjects I took. Blah.... I wish I could graduate with them *sad face*. It'll be fun anyways. I'm crashing, along with around 10 others. I'm not invited lol. and besides I got my new awesome friends to graduate with :)
Ok, I feel really low about myself all over again atm. *sad face* Agh!!! Why do I have so many FLAWS?
Life really sucks sometimes, like today. *I know I'll probably be fine by the morning, i hope*
Emo Today. Bleed Black ♥
-xoxo
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