Sometimes they come back.

Is it ok to lose track of who you were? People change, right? I did too, but in every horrible possible way. I lost track of who I used to be, I lost sight of right and wrong, I lost my reason for doing the right and I lost the ability to look past the moment and think positively. These last 6 months or so I have been avoiding to deal with the truth, which didnt really leave me as a happy person. So I spent almost everyday in a useless attempt to make myself happy. In the process of doing so, I made many spontaneous decisions - most of which were wrong and hurt other people, resulting in first of my many regrets. I hurt everyone I cared about and I hurt myself.

I'm stuck in the moment where I realize I'm turning into someone I dont want to, and their seems to be nothing I feel I can do about it. I'm scared, I'm losing control over who I am. I dont remember when I let my mistakes change who I am. I don't know when I started hurted other people. I dont know when I stopped thinking clearly. I'm scared. I cant find myself, who I used to be. I need to find myself.

I read somewhere that sometimes, you must lose yourself first to find yourself. 

Step 1 - Lose yourself Check

Step 2 - Find yourself In Progress

But no one told me there is a choice after step 1 - Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely.

So here what I'm going to do, bring back myself. I know most people choose to let go of who they were. But I wont. Someone once said - "Sometimes it's easier to start over than to fix your mistakes". So I'm taking the hard road. I'm going to find myself, fix myself and then fix every mistake. And why the hard road - cause I owe it to the people who love me. 

They say life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. I already made a decent human being out of myself a long time ago - not that long ago though - and now I just need to find myself. I guess I fell off the roller-coaster ride that life is. Journey to my own redemption - It's a long way back.

People lose their way. Sometimes they come back.

What Happened?

Lately I have been having weird dreams about desolation and loneliness. Like my best friend leaving me. Each dream is basically the same - I'm alone. Despair washes over me and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I'm lost. I'm at a loss of words. I'm sinking. I'm drowning. Save me. I'm pleading, I'm dying, I'm down on my knees trying. I'm in a black room. It's empty. It's cold. There's no way out.

 I need to talk, I need my best friend - but do I still have one? The words are building up inside and now I'm suffocating. I'm in a prison. Prison, whose walls were put up by me. There's no air. No light. No reason for trying. The worst prison is a closed heart.

What do you do when you dont have your best friend to talk to anymore?

I used to be a happy person, what happened?

Where are you when I need you? When all I need is a call? You dont have to make it right, but you can listen.

There is a weird heavy heartache. How do you get rid of that? Pain dies. Cuts heal. Scars fade. What happens to the weird heaviness you feel inside?

And I do everything possible to keep myself busy. Anything to just not think about it. Anything to ignore these pains. To ignore the sounds of my heart breaking. Cause if I find myself free, my mind will automatically wander towards him. Those haunting “What if?” questions. And in these empty moments of solitude are when the echoes of my heart shattering are loudest. And the pain hits me, rips my soul apart. And I feel like I’m being mind-fucked. And there is nothing I can do, just stay busy, not think about it.

And staying busy is killing me. It’s too much. Its taking my life slowly. Bloodshot eyes, feet have died and I’m pretty sure I’m going blind. Everyday something new. A packed day. Do assignments, talk to parents, friends, prepare for exams, worry for finance shit, help out friends. Too god-damn busy. A smile plastered to my face.

And every night I can’t sleep. And every night I take off the mask, take down the charade I play for the world to see. I can’t even remember the last time I slept properly, in peace. My life is a chaos. My mind is fucked and my heart is breaking every second of everyday. 

I used to draw, listen to music, cook. Passion, Art, Inspiration, where are you? I used to smile pointlessly and laugh. I used to be spontaneous. I did idiotic things. Suggested crazy pranks and carried them out. I had friends - where did they go? I used to be open. I talked. I danced. I was fearless, confident, happy. I used to be alive - what happened to me? Life just flew by me and now I'm just a ghost of who I used to be.

I'm helpless. I'm haunted. I'm dying. I'm alive. I'm barely breathing. I'm on a quest to find myself.

Once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

Just hug me and tell me that it'll be alright.

I found a reason to believe ♥

Today I realised yet again that life is not that bad. In fact, it's pretty good. So what if life is a bitch sometimes - most of the times, don't we all love to bitch around every once in a while?

Optimism is sanity and love takes away most people's sanity. Mistakes define people and regrets help make better decisions. And eventually all grudges fall apart, all the tears and pain make us stronger - you might find yourself alone in despair and maybe everything will go wrong giving you absolute no reason to believe in anything, but it’s only a matter of time before your fates turn around – There is only so much falling before you hit rock bottom, and the only way from there is up. Friends may have fall outs and fights, they might disappoint you and fail your expectations, but true friends will always be there for you and at the end of the day that is what actually matters.

Every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life. So if you love someone, give it your all - it won’t always work out but it sure as hell will be worth it. Life won’t always be easy, people leave, shit happens but it will be worth it - it always is.

So maybe you don’t get what you want now, eventually you'll get what you need. Maybe you work hard and not get that grade, maybe you embarrass yourself, date the wrong guy, bad haircut - years later you will laugh about it, all you'll have will be good memories. So if you lose someone you love, whether they leave you, move away or maybe buried six feet under - it will hurt at first till you think you can’t recover and when you do recover, trust me it won’t hurt, all you'll be left with would be beautiful memories. And sometimes it’s ok to be a train wreck.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I wished for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me all the tragedy in the world. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world.

This year I wished for love. My wish was granted.

For all I know, everything will be ok, maybe not today or tomorrow or even in weeks, but it will be. There may not be a happy ending every time but in the end you won’t have regrets, it won’t hurt to look back at everything. But not having a happy ending doesn't mean you won’t be happy. Happiness isn't a measure of success, or having everything you want – it’s a state of mind, of satisfaction. Little things matter, they make you smile. And that is the first step to being happy. 

Heaven on Earth' is a choice you must make, not a place you must find.

Sooner than it seems, life turns around ♥

HAHA I'm going to get you all depressed!

Oh my god – Sixteenth January is so far. I know most people die to come home and stuff but man I can not even begin to express how much I want to get back to Malaysia right now. Man this place is boring – no offence Riyadh, but seriously, I’ve been home like barely 2 freaking weeks and I haven’t done anything, or met most of my friends. There is no internet, no TV, no going out, no cinemas, no malls *yes, they are malls, ahmazing ones but I can’t go out, will get to that later* - I can safely say I have reached the limit of lifelessness. I dont even have anything to write about - I could update about me - but honestly I dont think anyone wants to read that. 

Well, I still am very uninspired so I'm just going to post a note I wrote long time ago - and guess what? TADA you all will get depressed after reading it - good luck lol.

We all hit rock bottom. And you know what sucks the most? The moment right before you hit rock bottom and you know that any day now you are going to hit it. Knowing is slow torture. Total mind-fucking. There is nothing like the feeling of falling towards the bottom, embracing the misery, the pain and all the disappointment. And you can’t just ignore it, or reality just comes down crashing. Trust me. Done that, been there. And I know everything will be okay, but I just don't believe it. I just can't, I don't see reason and my heart doesn’t feel it. This waiting for the moment when things fall back into place is hard. I keep breaking a little every day, and a little more slowly. And I’m trying not to let this entire masquerade of life to not let it change me, but it is just hard. It just gets f.u.c.k.i.n.g. harder every day. And I wonder why, what is the point of all this anyways. And you know what? The truth there is no point of all this - It’s just life; no one is supposed to get out alive anyways.

Sometimes people disappoint you - they dont mean to but they do. Like when your best friend doesn't call you on your birthday, when you fall in love but dont get love in return, when you work your ass off and dont score a grade, when you try so hard but your parents dont see. Yes, life is a huge pile of disappointments. You can either let it get to you and destroy you or you can let it go early on. Truth be told, it's hard to let go. After 18 years of my life, I think I just may have found the key to being happy. It basically involves not having any expectations from anyone because you know what? When people don't meet your expectations, it hurts. All expectations shatter to pieces and so does hope.

Anyways Fuck it, man I have this really bad craving for the McD quarter pounder or the KFC Zinger -.- I miss Malaysia.

Food is Love ♥

Btw, got anyone depressed? :D I'm feeling all evil.
Peace out Suckers x)

Mood Swings, Fuck you Life.

Heads Up - not one of my depressing blogs.

So earlier I said I pretty much feel nothing today - well you can guess that changed, so here I am blogging about it. Man I have blogged a shit lot today - well is nothing to do anyways.

So, I'm chilling in my bed, listening to music and guess which song plays - well "just the way you are", then “chasing cars” and finally “500 days of summer” before I finally decide to shut off the music. These forsaken songs are the paramount of all depressing songs. Realizing that you can’t ever have that one person you love sucks. Not that I didn't know it, as realization is acceptance, not knowledge - so realization hits me over and over again and it sucks. Aghhh! Fuck why does life gotta be so hard, so fucked up?

It’s like life likes to fuck around with all of us. So I’m back to square one - heavy heart ache but on the positive side I don’t feel lost - no wait, maybe a little. Fuck you life -.-

I feel so angry right now – why? The cherry on top of my previous feeling – drumroll please – of course my mom. Blah blah blah - mom stuff.

Anyways, well 15 min later – my sister cheered me up. How so? Well, she called my name and I gave her the “ I'm in the mood to kill, what the fuck do you want” look and yeah the look on her face after that pretty much made me laugh.

It’s like life is fucking with my head and making me PMS 24/7!!! The entire day I went without any crazy feelings - but now it's like I got the entire days doze of feelings and mood swings in one hour. Whatever, well on the bright side mood swings give me inspiration or at the very least something to write about.

Inspiration wont always hit you during life-changing moments, sometimes it creeps on you in moments of solitude - you just gotta wait for it ♥ 

Peace out ♥

Random ♥

So since my today's blog was highly, extremely boring, so I'm going to put up one of my drawing ♥ Let me know if you like it :) Not my best work but whatever ♥ Click to enlarge

Inspiration, where are you?

I feel neither inspired nor lost today. You know those days that just pass by you without anything momentous happening - well, today is one of those days. I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. I don't feel lost, neither have I found myself yet. The day is just flying by me - and ok, before I make everyone lose interest and like fall asleep, so news : I don’t think I have any. Oh fuck it.

I guess not every day things will inspire me. I don’t have to feel inspired to write something – who am I kidding , of course I need to feel inspired – and since I’m all blank, so I’m just gonna write one of my absolute favourite quote

"Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back."

Inspiration, where are you? 

What the future holds ♥

Heads Up - this one is a long blog, but maybe probably it'll be worth reading

Knowing and believing are two different things. Knowing is when the mind knows it, but believing is when the heart knows it. Knowing something means having knowledge of it, but believing something means accepting it. Often, I have trouble believing what I know. I stay up nights trying to find a reason to believe, trying to find answers to the repeating questions echoing in my head. Somethings been bothering me lately like a lot - I still have to figure out what the hell it is. You know the weird heavy feeling you get sometimes? I'm having one of those and I just cant fucking figure out why. Also, I have no idea where my life is going. Its like its all planned out, but we all know plans never ever ever ever go how they are supposed to, so I guess I'm just a little afraid of what the hell life is gonna throw at me next. 

Anyways, moving on to less depressing things, theres this quote that I'm in loove with, it bye William Shakespeare, not that I read his crap *no offense to him* -

William Shakespeare quoted, “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat and we must take the current when it serves or lose our ventures.” 

This quote is the answers to at least half my questions. Life is short and opportunities are rare and I believe one has to be vigilant in protecting them and not just the opportunities to succeed but the opportunities to laugh, to see the enchantments in the world and to live. Because life doesn’t owe us anything. As a matter, we owe something to the world.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. So believe in yourself, everyday, and every moment of your life, never give up. It won’t always be easy, but it’ll be worth it, so keep trying till you achieve your dreams. If there is no path to follow, then create your own and leave your trails behind. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Limitations live only in your minds. But if you use your imaginations, your possibilities become limitless. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.

Katherine Anne Porter once said: There seems to be a kind of order in the universe... in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own.

I know I dont know shit about what the hell is gonna happen in the future, but I guess that is just the beauty of life ♥

Need to Blog, to Express ♥

Long time. I know. I got into a university in spite of my continuous panic, went abroad, went through 5 months of heaven and hell, now I'm back home. And you know what? I dont regret a moment of it - all the drama, the pain, the new friends, the loneliness, homesickness, and life stuff you know. But why am I blogging? Because I found the need to, because there are words I need to express, but I dont think I can trust myself to tell them to people, I usually fuck up my words while speaking - ok, not usually, only around one person. Anyways -


Every now and then I find myself lost, my life twirling about me. Every now and then, just like right now. Everything is flying around me, like I'm stuck in a moment, yet all other moments are fleeting, slipping through my fingers. And Im left wondering about things that could have been and things that still can be. But each decision I take there will be consequences, but which decision, which consequences will I be able to live with? Life is hard, making decisions is harder. I feel lost, confused and I dont know what the hell I want or need right now. How do you choose? How do you know whether or not there will be regrets later? I have my entire life planned - yes, literally entire life, yet somehow I dont know what I want or need. But it is alright I guess, I mean its just life. Arn't we all a little lost every now and then? ♥

Life flies by, and I still dont really know where I'm headed ♥

And Im left wondering yet again.