Inherent Tiredness

And I can't recall how it feels to be happy. I don't remember the sound of my laugh. I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror anymore. My life feels so bleak, so desolate, and dark. It feels like I'm in a car that is driving into an endless dark road  and it feels like I'll never see the sun rise again. I want to learn to drive. And all I want to do is scream the fuck out. But all I can do is pour every word out, pen to paper and ink all this pain out. 

I feel tired. Like somehow I'm dying, like everything inside me is dead or slowly dying. And everyday the walls cave in a bit more. I don't know how long before the seige is over and I break completely. I'm holding on to my life, my sanity by one single thin thread. And everyday I'm alone. The echoes of this agony rings in silence, endlessly in my head. Everything feels unreal. 

This time I fell harder. I feel like there is no getting back up again. Like the sun will rise black. I'm tired. I want to give into this darkness, maybe six feet under isn't too deep down. But I can't. Somehow I'm obligated to the  people around me. 

A black sun rises.

I have.

I need a reason. A reason to live. Everything feels bleak and pointless. I need one selfish reason. I need a direction in life. I just someone to be there. I can't do this on my  own. But everyone has their problems. It is so morally wrong to impose my heartaches and miseries on other people. So I choose to suffocate in silence. So I choose to confide into a paper. And so I choose to not burden others. 

But, I'm tired. I'm tired of being alone and suffocated. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of not being happy. I'm tired of people asking me to change. I'm tired of feeling unimportant. But people lose touch, communication is hard and I try so hard to be reasonable but some days it is so hard to reason with reason. All I want is to go to bed everyday without misery haunting me. I want to stop caring so much, being this sensitive, but when I'm alone, my misery echoes in silence in my head. I just don't want to be alone at the end of the day. I want to bare my soul completely to someone, with complete knowlege and trust that they will never hurt me.

I'm so tired that I'm afraid if I fall asleep, somehow I won't wakeup again. I want to stop feeling like this and I want to be better. I don't want to be so sensitive but I'm in such a dark place in my life right now, that I can't help myself. This time I'm not strong enough and I can't do it on my own. This time I need a little help. This time I need someone to lean on. This time I need a saving grace. We all need a little saving sometimes.

Stars used to give me hope. But there is not a single visible star in these foggy skies of KL. But tonight I looked up to the sky and after ages, I saw the stars again. They don't give me hope anymore. They now just remind me of how dark my life is. 

But I must admit, their beauty still strikes me with awe, and leaves me speechless.

Standing on the edge of this building, jumping is too tempting. It feels like an easy way out. But then again I have obligations.

But, truth be told, we are never really alone.

It is like im locked in a dark room with no doors or windows. No way out. And I don't know how I got here.

The screams in my head taunt  me. The peace I had once is long gone. I feel so tired. So so so tired. Tired, not physically but mentally, emotionally. I have these monsters in me, gnawing on my insides. All I want is to go to bed with a smile on my face. I want to be happy again.

I feel like that.

But I want to feel like this.

Step 1 to getting better: Acceptance. Check .