An Epilogue to My Sob Story ♥

After days of pondering and self-debating, I have decided to write my sob story; not because I want people to know about it, but because I just need to get it all out. Just write it down. Maybe by the time I'm done, I might finally have the answers I'm looking for. Maybe I'll have a little closure. Maybe I'll find out what really went wrong. I'll post each chapter of my life twice every week. Maybe it won't be the greatest story you'll read. Maybe it won't even be great. But its my story and its real. Its happening. And I swear, right now, I just need to be get it off my chest, out of my head and into words. I need to get my life together. And most of all, I need to learn how to feel again. Somehow I believe this will revive my heart. Somehow this might remind me how to believe again. 

When wondering about myself, I realised I'm not exactly what you would call a "good girl". I strive in my dark side. I give into temptations and I've wandered down these dark roads more than once. Everytime I find a way out. But somehow, time after time again, I'm back here again. Clearly, I must be doing something wrong. I'm not your average bad girl either. I strive to be good to others most of the times. Half the time I fail miserably but I try.
So maybe I'm not your average good girl. Neither am I your average bad girl. I'm somewhere in the middle. Maybe leaning a little towards my dark side. So I'm debating on which side should I embrace. I've realised that you can't just always maintain a balance between both sides forever. Eventually we all have to choose a side.

And I find myself going back down these dark roads

I'm in a bad place in life. My family is falling apart and so is my education. I got shot down from the one guy I never wanted to. And I lost a lot of money. I've almost lost my friends. I feel like I'm drifting away from them. I screwed up my friendships. And I can't feeling like somehow I'm not good enough. I've felt my world shatter more than once in these last few months. 

Every other day, every other moment I question my morality. The things I have done. Mistakes made. The decisions I took. The wrong liberties I gave myself. I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not such a great person. Or in fact not even a good person. I made all the wrong choices. Worst of all, I fell head over heels in love with the wrong person while I was in a hanging relationship with someone else. And I wonder what sort of person do these choices make me? I screwed up my life. Most of all, I've screwed myself. I'm becoming that girl who makes all the wrong choices. I'm turning into a horrible person. My conscience is spilt. The internal struggle of good versus evil is exhausting me and draining me everyday. I'm afraid of the person I'm turning into. The more I try, the more I screw up.

I'm not the kind of girl someone would want to date or the kind of person for whom people hold a place in their heart. I'm someone who people go on dates with, but wouldn't love. Someone utterly ordinary. I've always been that person that people can easily replace. I've always had to try so hard.

Slowly I phase out from people's lives. I'm that person. Somehow I always get phased out and I'm just scared it is going to happen again. I'm tried of trying to stay in touch. I'm tried of being "the-conversation-starter". Like bro, it won't kill you to talk once in a while. It makes me feel as though I have little importance. But then maybe something is probably wrong with me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I shouldn't have to try so hard. I'm just scared of my life now. Most days I feel like I don't really have anybody, in the sense like I'm missing my other half. Like I don't have a person to call my other half. I need a saviour, maybe a friend, just about anyone; my desperation amounts.

So maybe I will embrace my dark side. I shine brighter then. Because I'm just tried of trying and being a miserable failure. I'm tired of being a wallflower. Embracing this side doesn't need trying. The whole point of giving into your dark side is not having to try, right?

And I listen this song. I see my life flashing in my head. This song gives me a little hope that maybe all these tragedies, my tragedies are building up to a moment of clarity. That maybe it might work out for me. This year I been dragged out of hell and to paradise, and then been dragged back to hell. It seems like I've had to try so hard all my life to belong somewhere. But I've made up my mind. I'm done trying. I deserve more. I want more from life and I'm going to strive for it. I'm going to give into my dark side. Be selfish. Give into temptations. I need answers. I need to know why I'm here. I'm going to strive for myself. Every long-lost yearning I've ever had, I'm going to fulfil those. 

And so I do, I give into my temptations.

But regardless how selfish I get this year. I will never put my needs ahead of my family's: the god-gifted one and the one I chose for myself.

I don't really know who I am really or how I got here. But maybe as I write about it, just maybe I'll figure out what I did wrong. Maybe I'll figure this out. This isn't the greatest story written or told, but this is my story. This is happening and this is real. This is how I finally bare my soul, how I finally lift the burdens, how I finally find answers hopefully. This is my sob story.