Page 1: The Downsides of Being a Wallflower

Press Play. Lose yourself.

 So here I am, somehow my circumstances have convinced me that right now is not the time for me to believe in love. And I'm tipping towards my dark side. My disappointments amount; with myself and with life. I've almost lost most of my friends. Life seems dreary and bleak. And I don't even know how got here.

Starting at the very beginning is hard. For one, I don't remember most of my childhood. I've blocked out almost every memory. I don't exactly come from what you would call a "happy family". Yes. my parents loved me. Somehow, happy didn't fit with us. There were these issues. Always some issue. Personal, external or financial. Too many barriers to peace or happiness. I indistinctly remember a lot of screaming, things flying and crying. Somehow, this all turned me into a socially awkward kid. That weird kid in school. I remember not fitting in, being made fun of on more than one occasions. At least from what I vaguely recall. I guess, that is when it all began. The awkward kid grows up into the wallflower. 

I have never been remarkable or outstanding in any way. Instead, I learnt to do just about a lot of things. I didn't excel at them. I've always been mediocre at them. I could be be standing in crowd and nothing would set me apart. I would blend in easy. It is not always bad, you know; this whole being a wallflower thing. Sometimes people do notice you. But some days I wait. I feel like a drop of water in the ocean; drifting with the tides, unnoticed.

Over the years, I've had a lot of friends. I've had lots of groups of friends. No one really stuck around. People moved on. High school was a hit to my self-esteem. There were all these pretty girls. And then there was me, with my half-defected smile, broken tooth and well, honestly I'm not exceptional looking. Hell, I'm just mediocre. Back then everything was an unspoken contest, and the judges was literally everyone. But we all know high school works that way and in some absurd way it is still a little like that.And I don't know why I let it get to me.

Out of high school, but still I'm that wallflower. I feel like everyone has someone and everyone is going somewhere. But my life is stuck at the top of a hilltop and I can feel it slowly falling back into the pit that I just came out of. Some days I feel like I'm missing out on life. Moments fly by me and I can't seem to enjoy them. I can't seem to get a hold of life. Its like cars zooming past me; these fleeting moments. Some days I'm grateful for the life I've had. Some days I feel invisible, my presence isn't missed. Some days keeping all this inside becomes a burden and these walls suffocate me. Some days I'm just disappointed in the people in my life. Most days I'm just disappointed in myself. Most days, I'm waiting. Waiting for people to acknowledge me. I feel like a burden to other people. Like I'm bothering them in some way. Most days, I just want to be a part of something great, feel like a belong. I don't want to be an onlooker. Often, I question my importance. Most days, I just don't know. This whole becoming a wallflower is taking a toll on me. Some days I wish for that one day, a day where I'm not a wallflower, outshining the norm and just be exceptional, stand out in a crowd for once. Just for a day.

People care about me a lot, but some days they tend to forget I exist. I'm afraid that I'll get phased out again. I'm scared everyone will move on and I will nothing but a vague memory, while I'm still there. I'm just scared of being forgotten for good. And that is the worst part of being a wallflower. This constant fear of being forgotten.

This is may not be a happy story, but it has its moments. And I don't know the ending yet so I can't guarantee you a happy ending. Heaven knows how much I would like to guarantee a happy ending. But I will tell you this, this wallflower is going to uproot herself from the wall and walk away.