To All Those Who Are Lost, Lonely, Afraid & Unsure ♥

Heads up - This one is all emo at first but it gets better. Haven't done this sort of inspirational thing in a while.

I survived Thursday. And I survived Friday. So - cheers to the freaking weekend I'll drink to that. I made it through the weekend too.

Sunday morning and I was up at 8 am for god knows what reason. I wish I had a button to turn off my mind.

Thursday night was the first time ever in my life I was jealous of something I never thought I would be – my friend’s ability to sleep without anything haunting her mind and keeping her up, while I was studying with my friend, when she decided to take a nap for 5-10 min and she fell asleep instantly.

 Recently, it has been storming a lot in KL and the rain makes me want to throw caution to the wind and get drenched head to toe; just soak up in few of the wonderful things life can give, forget every fucked up thing, listen to the rain falling against the ground and feel the raindrops smash across my face. But from behind my window, all this rain reminds me is of the storm raging inside me – torn between what’s right and what I want, between reality and fantasies, between head and heart.

Some blogs ago in some blog, I wrote - Optimism is sanity and love takes away all sanity. If that is so, I have not one ounce of sanity left in me - everything is chaos and I have no one to talk to about it and yet again my words are building up, slowly suffocating me on the inside but no one can see me. I'm drowning - it's like I'm invisible and love is the rope that is slowly closing up around my neck. I can't breathe anymore. And every time I see him, my heart aches and I need him with an intensity that I can't sleep at night anymore, he haunts my mind and his thoughts stalk my everything I do.

I feel like I can’t find any source of inspiration other than pain – is that even healthy? I feel like I’m slowly being sucked down the drain of depression again. I feel like I’m driving on a long dark road; I can't see a thing and I don’t know where this road is leading to and I’m afraid I’ll land up lost again.

Late at night, every night - if you can't sleep - walk out of your room into the peaceful serenity of the night, light up a cigarette, play some music and smoke up while the night air chills you to your very core till you can't think anymore and exhaustion hits you and you drowse to sleep.

Everything may not always work out and things may not fall to pieces. There will be days where you will feel like a disaster on the inside. But what really matters is if you can smile randomly out of the blue at the end of the day or at the beginning of the day or somewhere in the middle of the day or if you wake up and don’t recall depression, you should know your problems aren’t as huge as you may perceive them to be. And if you can smile regardless what life throws at you, you should know it’ll be ok. As corny as I find the saying “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”, it’s not been said for no reason; it is no doubt true.

 

 So to all those people who are lost, afraid, lonely & unsure of what the future holds, hang in there. Trust me on this, it will fall in place and this crazy world might just start making sense. About some things in life, I’m not sure myself and honest to God I’m hoping everything works out cause I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this messed-up-ness *is that even a word??* and I sure as hell don’t know what I would do if things don’t work out. Life is one jigsaw puzzle after the other, you solve one and the life will throw the same picture smashed in different puzzle pieces to you. 

But always remember - it's in the absolute darkness of the night, when the stars light up the sky to guide you.

And a million stars light up my world every night ♥

Listen to Skylar Grey - Invisible ♥

I made it ♥

I made it through Wednesday. Yay! There was a shit load to do. I woke at 3 am to pull a presentation and 2 Mandarin assignments out of somewhere – was gonna write ass first, but it sounded weird, nobody pulls out anything out of their ass.

I kept freaking falling asleep in my first class, and inside the class it was cold as Narnia during the time of the white witch – ironic, since outside the university it’s like Mordor’s hell. After this class, I baked myself in the sun for an hour and thankfully I made it through the next class without freezing to death.

The hardest thing I did today was keeping my sarcasm to myself throughout the Mandarin class. My lecturer can say some of the most ridiculous things. Also, he cleared any doubts I had about Russell Peters being wrong – clearly he was right about the Chinese in every perspective and he also missed some others which he would have noticed if a Chinese lecturer ever taught him. They will certainly come before time and never, not even by mistake leave a minute before they have to.

 

Today, he told us to carry out Mandarin dictionaries with us wherever we go, like it’s our BOYFRIEND or GIRLFRIEND and look the Chinese words wherever we see them. That is honestly much much worse than being forever alone level 9000. He also told us to learn the dictionary in our free time – Yes, because all I have ever wanted to do in my free time is learn the Mandarin dictionary. Thankfully, that class got over soon.

I had 4 hours of gap during which I did a shitload of things. Literally my most hectic day up to date – I went gave my presentation to my friend, got my sketch scanned, then went and enhanced the sketch, then paid for my awesome trip, then I went grabbed lunch, and then ran off to Times Square – Yes, Malaysia also has one; it’s a 10 storey mall, heaven for shoppers – then looked around for a decent T-shirt and then got my sketch printed on it and it looked better than I thought it would. I honestly wish right now that I could keep the shirt but sadly, I can’t; it’s a gift. I’ll upload a picture after I’ve given it away.

I reached just 20 minutes before my class, which went surprisingly well – considering I had to present a presentation with a group that I didn’t have, but my good luck - the projector didn’t work. Some of my classmates did talk to me too and then gave me something weird to eat while they laughed at my expression *god damn I don’t know what on earth I ate* – so YAY I’m not invisible anymore and the best part of all the lecturer ended the class early.

I missed the god-damn bus, which meant waiting for 50 minute for the next one. All my depressed thoughts suppressed deep inside starting surfacing and so I sat and listened to Eminem. His songs flow through my veins like a drug and I can’t think of anything but listen to the music. That guy is legend.

But as I sat there in the pouring rain, waiting by the bus stand, I looked around and saw everyone had someone to talk, and I knew some of the people passing by, yet, I didn’t really know anyone around here and no one really knows who I am. I tried to not let it get to me. But it did anyways. The most depressing thing I realized today was no one has ever asked me even once how I am doing on the inside – which made me realize that I should it more often too. Hell, we all should cause you never know how close somebody is to going over the edge. Anyone can look happy, but still be messed up on the inside. So the next time you meet your friends, ask them if they are doing okay, let them know you care.

Btw, I finished off an entire regular pizza and I am god damn proud of that. After which I got 11 hours of decent sleep. Food & Sleep - perfect ending to an almost acceptably good day.

Got to go for class. All you people out there with their lives messed up, just keep holding on, through on an Eminem record – or iPod – and listen to Beautiful by him. It will definitely inspire you and you’ll get through all of this crazy life stuff :)

Oh This Just got to be The Good Life ♥

Redang Island

Today was a weird day, had the usual boring classes – one even got cut short, which was pretty awesome, got invited to this seminar on Saturday, well more like I got forced to accept cause it is compulsory to attend but they gave it as in the name of invitation anyways and got invited (this time it was an actual invitation) to choose between 2 trips – one is a one-day resort and the other is a 4-day trip to an island, of course I chose the island DUH! Bitching Awesome. Then I realized that the stupid seminar – yes it is going to be stupid, it is on the cultural diversity of my uni followed by a football match, neither if which interests me – interferes with my weekend plans to chill with my friend *sad face*.

So I called my friend today at 3pm for a change of plans for this weekend, this is somewhat how the conversation went. It was pretty hilarious.

*Music in the background*

Me: Got my text? Sunday, sure?

Rouaa: Yeah, are you in a party?

Me: LOL nop bus.

Rouaa: Whaaaat bus is that? D:

Also, we had a new lecturer and man that guy is like the terminator or something. No notes, actually strict and other scary stuff which I can’t seem to remember right now. Doesn’t matter. After explaining the syllabus, he went like “Why do I see all worried face? Why so serious?” LOL the last part made me think of Joker – yes from batman DUH and a bunch of 9gag posts – and mostly our reactions were “No, just sleepy. Differentiate.”

Some days I feel like everyone around me is trying to turn me into lesbian. God damn it – No I don’t need the details of the hot chick you saw, or the one walking behind you or any other – I mean seriously? She’s got a figure I get it – No I don’t need the intimate details. This friend of mine actually used to make me check out chicks with him -_- He still does it – well I love him anyways. Though, it is pretty awesome to be on the other end of the checking out shit.

I have a few concepts in my head for some artwork but I can’t seem to get my lazy ass to actually get to do them. My schedule is so freaking hectic, especially today – my Wednesday just started and I have class from 9 am to 9pm with gaps of course during which I have a million things to do. God damn, I wish I could fly my ass back to ksa back into my own bed and sleep.

I did none-what-so-ever pondering on the meaning of life today and finally today for the first time in almost half a year, I didn’t have much trouble sleeping.

I texted this friend of mine – the same one who makes me check out girls – like a million times but apparently he had lost his cell and put his sim in another cell so he didn’t know who it was so he never replied. Then he finally called me.

Me: You son of a bitch -

Him: Hi sarah

LOL he guessed it was me with my few words :D how awesome is that :D

 

All in all my life is going pretty good which is messing with my head cause I don’t remember the last time my life went this smooth. Shocking though. My sarcasm is back – thankyou 9gag & thankyou Chandler Bing for giving it to me in the first place. I’m on a roll bitches.

I'm not really good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead?

Have nothing inspiring on me yet. Sucks. Might upload my sketches later someday.

 Hit me with your best shot - Wednesday Classes ♥

Random Talk

I had classes on Saturday. Seriously, I don't know why I even went. My days are flying, I cant tell when the week ends and when a new one starts. Anyways, as I had Saturday class, I skipped today's class - actually I was sick but I feel like a bad ass saying I skipped it LOL.

Anyways, finally all my friends are back in KL - Party TIME Bitches! I met a few of my friends this Saturday. Man, my friends can be so so so overly protective of me sometimes - well, I don't blame, my hostel did spring out the doors of the Mordor's doom. My area is creepy, but seriously my friends treat me like I'm a ball of fluff like if I don't go back before night I'll get kidnapped or raped or something. Lol it is kind off cute sometimes and I effin love them for it. This weekend was shit ass boring - my friends played pool, I watched. They smoked, I watched. They talked, I watched *they were speaking in bangla which is like Chinese to me cause I get only bits of Chinese*.

At least, I had amazing food. I had the best subway sandwich. Heaven in my mouth.

Chicken Teriyaki is Love ♥

This year I have to sing. In Chinese. In a group - Chinese Idol much? How much more ridiculous can my life get? Oh god Why? Every time I learn Chinese, I feel like a freaking dog cause saying the same thing in another tone means something else exactly how a dog barks the same thing to send out different messages. Not that I'm racist - who am I kidding, okay I am very racist sometimes, only sometimes - I know how Chinese torture people, they can just teach us their language, it's so fucking hard, how on earth is it the 3rd most spoken language?

I'm so swamped with studies, friends, things to do, birthdays, tests right now - I have no time to stay in touch with my parents, which sucks. HOME?!?! Y U SO FAR AWAY!

I've been 9gagging too god-damn much -_-

True Story Bro!

I've this bad-ass craving to go and dance like a maniac but unfortunately I cant. Too much. Why is there so much month at the end of my money? Right now, it's literally storming outside. It's beautiful and all I want to do is give into chaos, run out and dance in the rain like a maniac but sadly cant risk getting sick.

Oh god tomorrow is "Forever Alone Day". I honestly don't get the point of valentines. Just another reason to spend money. Oh god I'll have to suffer seeing gooey couples everywhere I go which sucks - throws up. Buy roses, chocolates, gifts, romantic gestures and fucking RED & PINK EVERYWHERE - BARF. I know I am like a romantic but seriously Valentine's is lame. Saint Valentines is no Romeo & Juliet. I honestly prefer sleeping and enjoy another subway sandwich while I watch Community - awesome show btw.

Moving on to a little more serious things.

I still have probably sleeping. It's like my mind is haunted. My brain really likes to fuck around with me. Don't get me wrong, my life is going amazing - It's like I'm on a roll with good things, and often I find myself smiling for no reason, I'm dancing and I'm singing - summary; I'm happy. But damn KL is lonely. I'm sitting in a classroom full of people and no one really knows who I am. No one talks to me. I'm sitting inside my room, I have roommates and loneliness is scarring the inside of my head. Loneliness occupies me when I'm in my room, but when I'm outside alone, it's solitude that I feel. If no one has every told you this before, then I'll tell you this - the worst feeling on earth is feeling alone in a crowd. Only when I'm writing I feel alive, like I'm talking, I start typing and the words flow through my mind unto the screen.  Also a few certain things keep bothering me all night. Though this semester is hell better than the last one, at least I have my passport - YES I lost my passport last semester, I thought I would never go home, it was mental torture.

Anyways, my uncontrollable thoughts are such a fucking burden, it is mental anguish. My life at night feels like it walked out of Coldplay's song "Fix You" - "When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can't sleep. Stuck in Reverse". I feel so emotionally exhausted. Like my world is falling and I'm trying so hard to keep it together or like it is changing and I'm draining all my energy to keep everything the same. Truth be told I think it is the change. Change scares me sometimes. People change for better or for worse. Sometimes changes are painful. I don't know how long before I give in and just let it happen. I'm not ready for any changes right now. My life can be so beautiful sometimes, most of the times actually. All this fighting, secrets, holding back, suffocation, loneliness is draining out all my energy. All the end of the day, I'm smiling and I'm crying. My anxiety levels are so high. There is no stress but the fucking anxiety is killing me. It's like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what the hell it is. This emotional exhaustion isn't enough to put me to sleep. It only makes it worse. Oh god, my head is seriously messed up.

Sometimes, I feel if I don't let all these feelings out, I'll turn stone-cold on the inside. So I'm going to blab about them all over here cause I got no one to talk to right now. Anyways, I know it'll work out - hell, it always does. So I'm going to put on my fiercest smile and not let life get to me.

Btw check out "Where are You Now?" by Honor Society. It's awesome.

Also SHOUT OUT to HALIMA ZOHARA for passing her ACCA exams with flying colours. And shout out to ROUA FADL - Welcome back to KL, my biyaatch :)

Follow me on twitter - @xs_sarah

Laugh a Little - This picture always cracks me up no idea why.

Weirdest Adele Impression LOLOL

I'm Back ♥

It's a long post - this will keep you going hopefully 

Aww, right ♥ ?

I’m back in KL. There are drunk people outside my hostel and one guy is yelling “Wake up. It’s morning!” – though he has a hot accent and from my window he looks hot, well I am on the 5^th floor so could be deceiving – For god’s sake, it’s 3 am not morning, well who cares. There are cars honking and I’m stuck inside my hostel. I can’t sleep. 

First week here - insane. Why? Cause I was homeless for 4 days (crashed at a friend’s place – Pretty awesome). Second week was pretty much the same and so was the third week. Got registered for subjects and shit, had Chinese new year break and 2 more days off. Crashed at my friends again and went all retarded – had an insane movie marathon at the cinema 10:20 to 2:30 am and and I paid 7RM in cents for popcorn. Trust me - that was a lot of cents. There is an entire video of me doing it. It’s like I’m drunk well I wasn’t though but damn the cashier girl’s face was epic LOL. And then there is a huge list of retarded stupid things I have done with my friends after returning ♥ :)

That’s some of the stuff I’ve been upto.

Lately, I can’t seem to sleep. There is no mental peace. My anxiety levels are extremely high. Life is good and all – well I have a new addition to my family; a new brother :), I’m on the dean’s list – no I’m not a geek or a nerd, I’m a little book-smart. Learn the difference bitches :) - and I’m not homeless but somewhere deep inside me there is something lurking, something that wants me to break loose and go insane and unleash my wild side., something that is probably dark & retarded. The overwhelming urge to do something crazy spontaneous is killing me. There are thoughts lurking inside me and my mind has been obsessing about something and not being able to talk about it is killing me.

But otherwise my life is good. Life?!?! Y U NO LET ME LIVE IN PEACE -_-?? – anyone who knows what are internet memes will get this.

I have also developed an insane obsession with Eminem’s songs. No idea why though but everytime I listen to his lyrics, inspiration runs like a drug through my veins and his songs are the only songs that do not remind me of anyone or anything in my life – sweet enlightening escape. I started drawing again too. I did my first sketch of a person. One of my friend’s birthday is coming and so I wanted to give something special – cause that’s my thing (H) – so I made my friend’s sketch and I’m thinking to get it printed on a shirt. I’m so unsure of that idea though.

Well, I know I was trying to find myself some months ago. The truth is I have a somewhat dark side which emerges sometimes. I don’t need to do any searching; I am who I have always been with all my personality swings, my art, my writing and the music.

I am so freaking homesick this semester. Maybe that has more to do with the fact that my family just got larger and the fact that I saw Abdul Rehman break down completely at the airport. The memory so crystal clear in my head – he was on his knees sobbing his big beautiful eyes out and begging me to take him with me on his knees. It broke my heart to leave him but he’s ok now but I miss him. Oh god the melodrama of my heart and brain playing games with me -_-

This year I got everything I wanted and everything changed. I found love. Friendship. Freedom. An experience. The biggest roller-coaster of my life. And at the end of this year, I'm glad about everything - from all the tears to the laughter, from the decisions to the regrets & mistakes, from the pain of losing to the bliss of finally finding. This I wished to immerse a heart long afraid to feel and I wouldn’t give it back for the world.

This year I took a step outside who I am and outside my world and found endless possibilities.

Things will go wrong and everyone makes mistakes.

We all should get caught up in the moment sometimes, sometimes the consequences are worth it. A life without regret isn't living.

Some people are impulsive and some people take calculated risks. Impulsive is always better.

I like my life this way - memories written all over parts of my life and my friends and family taking up most of my time, I like my life coloured and filled with people I know and I don't mind the problems coming and going. 

PS Check out Holding On and Letting Go by Ross Copperman :)