I quit.

I can't write about it. woho. I quit.

I have these raging demons inside of me and these words and everything is fucking building up, and I feel fucking suffocated and everyone has fucking someone and I feel like I have no one and I'm going no where.  My fucking family is falling apart and my grades are down. I'm addicted to smoking. I'm not sure who really are my friends any more. I fell in love with the wrong guy and it didn't work out, its been 2 months and it still kills me everyday. Did I mention my family is falling apart? I cant do anything about anything in my life. People tell me they'll be there for me, but when I come with a problem to them, it is a joke to them. So I fucking quit. I'm so fucking tired and I want to this to end. And no I am not fucking okay. I'm perfectly alive and I'm breathing just fine and that is just about the only thing that is right in my life right now.
My reality is equivalent to the average person's nightmare and I am not exaggerating when I say that. I want this to be fucking over. Either this gets over or my life. I effin grew up miserable and I come from the worst kind off childhood and I've hid that from every fucking person I know. I don't remember the last time I ate properly or the last time I had a peaceful  sleep. Fucking anxiety.
I am so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and I am so tired of people making me feel that way.
I shouldnt have to try so hard. I fucking quit. Im so angry and so hurt and I can't remember what it feels to be genuinely happy. I quit. Save me someone cause I'm sure as hell done trying.

I shouldn't have to try so hard. Its not fair.

Page 1: The Downsides of Being a Wallflower

Press Play. Lose yourself.

 So here I am, somehow my circumstances have convinced me that right now is not the time for me to believe in love. And I'm tipping towards my dark side. My disappointments amount; with myself and with life. I've almost lost most of my friends. Life seems dreary and bleak. And I don't even know how got here.

Starting at the very beginning is hard. For one, I don't remember most of my childhood. I've blocked out almost every memory. I don't exactly come from what you would call a "happy family". Yes. my parents loved me. Somehow, happy didn't fit with us. There were these issues. Always some issue. Personal, external or financial. Too many barriers to peace or happiness. I indistinctly remember a lot of screaming, things flying and crying. Somehow, this all turned me into a socially awkward kid. That weird kid in school. I remember not fitting in, being made fun of on more than one occasions. At least from what I vaguely recall. I guess, that is when it all began. The awkward kid grows up into the wallflower. 

I have never been remarkable or outstanding in any way. Instead, I learnt to do just about a lot of things. I didn't excel at them. I've always been mediocre at them. I could be be standing in crowd and nothing would set me apart. I would blend in easy. It is not always bad, you know; this whole being a wallflower thing. Sometimes people do notice you. But some days I wait. I feel like a drop of water in the ocean; drifting with the tides, unnoticed.

Over the years, I've had a lot of friends. I've had lots of groups of friends. No one really stuck around. People moved on. High school was a hit to my self-esteem. There were all these pretty girls. And then there was me, with my half-defected smile, broken tooth and well, honestly I'm not exceptional looking. Hell, I'm just mediocre. Back then everything was an unspoken contest, and the judges was literally everyone. But we all know high school works that way and in some absurd way it is still a little like that.And I don't know why I let it get to me.

Out of high school, but still I'm that wallflower. I feel like everyone has someone and everyone is going somewhere. But my life is stuck at the top of a hilltop and I can feel it slowly falling back into the pit that I just came out of. Some days I feel like I'm missing out on life. Moments fly by me and I can't seem to enjoy them. I can't seem to get a hold of life. Its like cars zooming past me; these fleeting moments. Some days I'm grateful for the life I've had. Some days I feel invisible, my presence isn't missed. Some days keeping all this inside becomes a burden and these walls suffocate me. Some days I'm just disappointed in the people in my life. Most days I'm just disappointed in myself. Most days, I'm waiting. Waiting for people to acknowledge me. I feel like a burden to other people. Like I'm bothering them in some way. Most days, I just want to be a part of something great, feel like a belong. I don't want to be an onlooker. Often, I question my importance. Most days, I just don't know. This whole becoming a wallflower is taking a toll on me. Some days I wish for that one day, a day where I'm not a wallflower, outshining the norm and just be exceptional, stand out in a crowd for once. Just for a day.

People care about me a lot, but some days they tend to forget I exist. I'm afraid that I'll get phased out again. I'm scared everyone will move on and I will nothing but a vague memory, while I'm still there. I'm just scared of being forgotten for good. And that is the worst part of being a wallflower. This constant fear of being forgotten.

This is may not be a happy story, but it has its moments. And I don't know the ending yet so I can't guarantee you a happy ending. Heaven knows how much I would like to guarantee a happy ending. But I will tell you this, this wallflower is going to uproot herself from the wall and walk away.

Procrastination

Change of plans. Ill post a chapter each week. Turns out I'm not as lifeless as I thought. And writing ti all down is pretty hard for me and I can't stop procrastinating.

The next chapter should be up on wednesday :)

An Epilogue to My Sob Story ♥

After days of pondering and self-debating, I have decided to write my sob story; not because I want people to know about it, but because I just need to get it all out. Just write it down. Maybe by the time I'm done, I might finally have the answers I'm looking for. Maybe I'll have a little closure. Maybe I'll find out what really went wrong. I'll post each chapter of my life twice every week. Maybe it won't be the greatest story you'll read. Maybe it won't even be great. But its my story and its real. Its happening. And I swear, right now, I just need to be get it off my chest, out of my head and into words. I need to get my life together. And most of all, I need to learn how to feel again. Somehow I believe this will revive my heart. Somehow this might remind me how to believe again. 

When wondering about myself, I realised I'm not exactly what you would call a "good girl". I strive in my dark side. I give into temptations and I've wandered down these dark roads more than once. Everytime I find a way out. But somehow, time after time again, I'm back here again. Clearly, I must be doing something wrong. I'm not your average bad girl either. I strive to be good to others most of the times. Half the time I fail miserably but I try.
So maybe I'm not your average good girl. Neither am I your average bad girl. I'm somewhere in the middle. Maybe leaning a little towards my dark side. So I'm debating on which side should I embrace. I've realised that you can't just always maintain a balance between both sides forever. Eventually we all have to choose a side.

And I find myself going back down these dark roads

I'm in a bad place in life. My family is falling apart and so is my education. I got shot down from the one guy I never wanted to. And I lost a lot of money. I've almost lost my friends. I feel like I'm drifting away from them. I screwed up my friendships. And I can't feeling like somehow I'm not good enough. I've felt my world shatter more than once in these last few months. 

Every other day, every other moment I question my morality. The things I have done. Mistakes made. The decisions I took. The wrong liberties I gave myself. I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not such a great person. Or in fact not even a good person. I made all the wrong choices. Worst of all, I fell head over heels in love with the wrong person while I was in a hanging relationship with someone else. And I wonder what sort of person do these choices make me? I screwed up my life. Most of all, I've screwed myself. I'm becoming that girl who makes all the wrong choices. I'm turning into a horrible person. My conscience is spilt. The internal struggle of good versus evil is exhausting me and draining me everyday. I'm afraid of the person I'm turning into. The more I try, the more I screw up.

I'm not the kind of girl someone would want to date or the kind of person for whom people hold a place in their heart. I'm someone who people go on dates with, but wouldn't love. Someone utterly ordinary. I've always been that person that people can easily replace. I've always had to try so hard.

Slowly I phase out from people's lives. I'm that person. Somehow I always get phased out and I'm just scared it is going to happen again. I'm tried of trying to stay in touch. I'm tried of being "the-conversation-starter". Like bro, it won't kill you to talk once in a while. It makes me feel as though I have little importance. But then maybe something is probably wrong with me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I shouldn't have to try so hard. I'm just scared of my life now. Most days I feel like I don't really have anybody, in the sense like I'm missing my other half. Like I don't have a person to call my other half. I need a saviour, maybe a friend, just about anyone; my desperation amounts.

So maybe I will embrace my dark side. I shine brighter then. Because I'm just tried of trying and being a miserable failure. I'm tired of being a wallflower. Embracing this side doesn't need trying. The whole point of giving into your dark side is not having to try, right?

And I listen this song. I see my life flashing in my head. This song gives me a little hope that maybe all these tragedies, my tragedies are building up to a moment of clarity. That maybe it might work out for me. This year I been dragged out of hell and to paradise, and then been dragged back to hell. It seems like I've had to try so hard all my life to belong somewhere. But I've made up my mind. I'm done trying. I deserve more. I want more from life and I'm going to strive for it. I'm going to give into my dark side. Be selfish. Give into temptations. I need answers. I need to know why I'm here. I'm going to strive for myself. Every long-lost yearning I've ever had, I'm going to fulfil those. 

And so I do, I give into my temptations.

But regardless how selfish I get this year. I will never put my needs ahead of my family's: the god-gifted one and the one I chose for myself.

I don't really know who I am really or how I got here. But maybe as I write about it, just maybe I'll figure out what I did wrong. Maybe I'll figure this out. This isn't the greatest story written or told, but this is my story. This is happening and this is real. This is how I finally bare my soul, how I finally lift the burdens, how I finally find answers hopefully. This is my sob story.

All Relationships Have an Expiry Date

A friend once said that all relationships have an expiry date. Back then I disagreed. But I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

Love is a lie we tell ourselves. So is forever. Forever is a lie we tell ourselves because we are afraid of the truth. All relationships have an expiry date. There is no such thing as true love. It is all lies made up to shelter ourselves from the basic loneliness that consumes all of us. The lie we tell ourselves to fool ourselves into believing that we are not alone. But we are humans, we lie to ourselves and we tend to forgot reality. The reality that we are utterly alone. No one stays until the very end. All relationships have an expiry date.

Today I told my mom I am never getting married. Not in a humorous way, not lightly but I said it in bitterness and I stormed out on her after that. Maybe to most people that may not be a big deal. But where I come from it is.

I meant it. I am never getting married or falling for anyone. Never again will I naively believe that a thing such as love exists. Never again will I fool myself to be in love. It will take more than a miracle to make me fall in love ever again. Maybe, some divine intervention. But I am done. I am done believing naively. I am done with the lies. It is not real. All my feelings are dead. I feel nothing. Until 3 hours ago, I was still in love with one of my best friends, but I don't believe in love anymore. Love is a lie. And the more I tell myself that, the more I'm sure of it.

Everything has an end. I read somewhere, that forever isn't long enough to love someone. That is also a lie. Forever isn't real enough to love anyone. The world is selfish. No one cares enough. I'm done caring. And I'm done being nice. I want nothing from life anymore. No expectations.

I'm done, what is the point of this marriage/love facade? No one cares. Equal measure is a lie. Everything is a lie. Trust is a lie. Happy endings don't exist. And no one, and I assure you that no one at all can ever make me believe in love again. No one I know. Not even people I have loved.

Endless Black Nothingness

People can argue that there are two basic feelings - happiness and shades of sadness/depression. I disagree. There is indifference. Nothing is a feeling. It is one that I feel. I feel nothing. I want to keep feeling like this. And I will strive for this. Black Nothingness. Endless black nothingness.

All my life, I feel like I was waiting for happiness. I yearned to love, to be loved, to be someone; just someone who mattered. But I'm done yearning. I'm done waiting for life to happen. Now I'm just waiting for life to pass.

No one will ever love you too much. So don't bother. Firstly, love is a lie. Secondly, forever isn't real enough. And, most importantly, all relationships do have an expiry date. So I'm done believing. I'm done trying. I'm done with this; this facade of love and life.

All I need is the air I breathe and a place to lock my heart away. Striving for nothingness. That's all I need.

Inherent Tiredness

And I can't recall how it feels to be happy. I don't remember the sound of my laugh. I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror anymore. My life feels so bleak, so desolate, and dark. It feels like I'm in a car that is driving into an endless dark road  and it feels like I'll never see the sun rise again. I want to learn to drive. And all I want to do is scream the fuck out. But all I can do is pour every word out, pen to paper and ink all this pain out. 

I feel tired. Like somehow I'm dying, like everything inside me is dead or slowly dying. And everyday the walls cave in a bit more. I don't know how long before the seige is over and I break completely. I'm holding on to my life, my sanity by one single thin thread. And everyday I'm alone. The echoes of this agony rings in silence, endlessly in my head. Everything feels unreal. 

This time I fell harder. I feel like there is no getting back up again. Like the sun will rise black. I'm tired. I want to give into this darkness, maybe six feet under isn't too deep down. But I can't. Somehow I'm obligated to the  people around me. 

A black sun rises.

I have.

I need a reason. A reason to live. Everything feels bleak and pointless. I need one selfish reason. I need a direction in life. I just someone to be there. I can't do this on my  own. But everyone has their problems. It is so morally wrong to impose my heartaches and miseries on other people. So I choose to suffocate in silence. So I choose to confide into a paper. And so I choose to not burden others. 

But, I'm tired. I'm tired of being alone and suffocated. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of not being happy. I'm tired of people asking me to change. I'm tired of feeling unimportant. But people lose touch, communication is hard and I try so hard to be reasonable but some days it is so hard to reason with reason. All I want is to go to bed everyday without misery haunting me. I want to stop caring so much, being this sensitive, but when I'm alone, my misery echoes in silence in my head. I just don't want to be alone at the end of the day. I want to bare my soul completely to someone, with complete knowlege and trust that they will never hurt me.

I'm so tired that I'm afraid if I fall asleep, somehow I won't wakeup again. I want to stop feeling like this and I want to be better. I don't want to be so sensitive but I'm in such a dark place in my life right now, that I can't help myself. This time I'm not strong enough and I can't do it on my own. This time I need a little help. This time I need someone to lean on. This time I need a saving grace. We all need a little saving sometimes.

Stars used to give me hope. But there is not a single visible star in these foggy skies of KL. But tonight I looked up to the sky and after ages, I saw the stars again. They don't give me hope anymore. They now just remind me of how dark my life is. 

But I must admit, their beauty still strikes me with awe, and leaves me speechless.

Standing on the edge of this building, jumping is too tempting. It feels like an easy way out. But then again I have obligations.

But, truth be told, we are never really alone.

It is like im locked in a dark room with no doors or windows. No way out. And I don't know how I got here.

The screams in my head taunt  me. The peace I had once is long gone. I feel so tired. So so so tired. Tired, not physically but mentally, emotionally. I have these monsters in me, gnawing on my insides. All I want is to go to bed with a smile on my face. I want to be happy again.

I feel like that.

But I want to feel like this.

Step 1 to getting better: Acceptance. Check .

Timeless Beauty & Love ♥

I changed the blog name. YAY :D Not like anyone cares but I did it anyways.

Adding the song at the top, so you can read while you enjoy music. Yes I am awesome.

I've been trying so hard to find time to write lately. It's not that I don't have time (I'm probably the most free person on earth), I just can't bring myself to let it all out yet. I feel confused and like an idiot,like an 18-year old idiot who has no idea what life is actually about. There is so much drama, I keep thinking I need to grow up, at least that's how everyone else treats me. I mean come on I'm 18, not stupid. I'm struggling through life too, it is harder for me cause this shit is so new to me; I don't know how to cope with it. I'm learning.There is so much drama, and sometimes I wish some people would see beyond the drama; there is more. There is always more.

Fuck it, moving on.

Rainy mornings in KL are distinctly beautiful. Yes, I may find Riyadh better than KL in a million different ways; well, cause it is home. And rain in Riyadh brings out more meaningful, differentiated feelings but here it is so picturesque, giving an escape from the everyday heat of KL. The rain framing the city's skyline perfectly, captivating every onlooker, and completely mesmerizing them with a peaceful serenity.

Curiosity; who has it? I do, its one hell of a problem and one day, mark my words, my curiosity will get me killed. My mind wanders off in directions its not supposed to, and I land up wondering about possibilities which are impossible.

Eyes are the window to the soul - Vinci

Eyes; eyes are fascinating. Sometimes you can tell a whole lot about a person by just their eyes. Moods, emotions, thoughts, opinions, pain; all flash in eyes. Sometimes I stare way longer than I'm supposed into people's eyes; trying to figure them out, trying to find meanings, discover the intensity of their minds' complexity, to watch how moods flash in people's eyes. Its captivating to watch moods flash in people's eyes, especially in a moment which brings a smile back to a depressed face, the spark returning to the eyes. Eyes dance with laughter and drown in tears. And sometimes they show the truth. And sometimes even eyes that have turned cold, melt their ice inside. Its just mesmerizing.

I stopped to talking to him - yes I have mentioned and moped over it in my previous posts - and I still don't feel okay. I just can't deal with it yet. I have asked myself a million times by now and every time I see him online, I want to ask "How are you okay? Don't you miss me? Cause I sure as hell do" but its just life right? Fucking life, that is exactly what everyone else tells me - "this is good for you". Oh really? If it is in fact good for me, then why the fuck do I feel like this, like a total insecure pms-ing retard? I can't walk down a street anymore without getting all paranoid. This may sound - or be read as - retard but I just don't feel safe anymore. I feel like everyone is watching me. Like no one is going to save me. Insecurities and fear are heightened to a whole new level. I need him back in my life.

Sometimes I'm afraid what if I'm the type of person who can't stay single; some co-dependent, pms-ing person who needs to have someone at all times. I don't want to be the person who falls in love because I'm lonely. I want to be able to stay single and feel safe enough. But I'll never get myself to say all these out loud. Somehow saying out loud just makes it feel so much more real, like I'm confessing out all my biggest fears as if they were dark secrets.

Life has taught me that after a certain point, all love changes; either fades out or matures. All we need to figure out is why. There is always a reason for either one. Sometimes it happens naturally as we grow up. People change as they grow up; most grow wiser, some don't, some lose themselves and some discover themselves. Nothing is absolute, eventually everything changes. The bottom line is we all change as we grow up, change as our environment changes, change as we grow through the motions of life. Certain events may change who we are or we may change how we feel about certain people but parents; We love them even when we hate them. Its the only kind of love that deepens with time.

Some call Marilyn Monroe a timeless beauty. But what really is timeless beauty? Timeless beauty; beauty that remains unchanged withstanding time periods. Beauty lies in the eyes if the beholder.Timeless beauty is in those picture perfect moments that get captured in our eyes instead of our cameras. Timeless beauty lies in feelings that move us to our very core every time we think about them. Timeless beauty lies in the feel of a first kiss, first hug, first love and in the memories of the greatest moments of our lives. The first hug you get the first you come back after 6 months living abroad. The first time you let loose and danced in the rain. Timeless beauty is when friends grow old together, when you have someone to share the silence with. 

Growing old with friends ♥

If you really want to see timeless beauty, look into the eyes of a mother; the love for her child is there even before her child is born till her very last breath, through all the flaws and mistakes. And that is true timeless beauty. It goes the same for dads, though it is less emphasized. I know because I see it in my dad's eyes every day. I have seen him work blood and sweat just to get me through college. Words aren't enough to express how much I love my dad for everything he has ever done for me. I may have loved them both since day 1, but they have loved me even before I was born ♥

And timeless love? Love that withstands everything life throws at it, that doesn't fade away with time. It is having someone to speak when words are needed, share the silence when they aren't and to listen when you need to be heard. Mostly it is growing old with someone. Timeless love is in my dad's eyes when he looks at my mom and when she looks back at him. Timeless love is when Abdul Rehman is ready to sleep by my feet, even when there is no space on my bed, just to sleep with me. Timeless love is what I have with my family ♥

I'm just all weirdly emotional today, either its the homesickness, or the recent turn of events or its just these songs triggering my emotions. Maybe I'm not such a bad person as I'm afraid I may  be, I'm just lost and trying to find my way. There is nothing wrong with that, right? We all lose our ways sometimes. 

Words are magic, and I've lost my wand. I can't cast spells anymore.