People that matter, maybe too much ♥

You know today I realised I have amazing friends and people in my life. They just make it so much easier for me on most days. When its hard and beaten down and when I can barely remember how to smile, they are always there to make me laugh. Like today, I was on my way to getting all emo but this friend *umm lets say AR* made this krazy group convo where me, AR and this guy *umm RHF :P* and we were trying to persuade him to take us shopping... n i swear I think I got high or something and he was like "My dad will kill me" and i went -- "Not if we kill him first" LMAO! and the list of other stuff which are making me smile right now as I'm thinking of them. Lol srsly, my face is like glowing or something and I cant stop smiling :) I swea rhf guy is prolly wishing i were a guy so that he could beat the crap outta me and ar, cause honestly man we are driving him krazy.. lol. I have these great friends and these spontaneous, makes-me-smile-when-i-think-of-them memories. I've bin in a better place lately *I dont even remember why the fuck did I want to ever die?* You know after some time the pain decreases and u barely feel the stabbing anymore :) I've an amazing guy that I'm in love with and who loves me back, a perfect baby brother who loves me krazily and great friends. I guess its worth to hang in the pain cause one day you'll wake up and it doesnt hurt that much anymore. One day it gets bearable and then it stops mattering, you move on. One day you just get sick and tired of being sad and tired of feeeling the pain and then you feel something new, and in that moment you realise you're actually happy. But it feels so wrong only cause it's so new. Damn, I love this feeling :D

My friend tagged me in this note on fb and I love it, definitely inspires me :)

Dear pain,

Thank you for making me the beautiful person that I am. Thank you for teaching me everything I know. Thank you for showing me that God is just a prayer away. Thank you for turning my weaknesses into strengths, my precious moments into memories, my heart into a beating drum, my eyes into a well, and my body into a castle that holds a wealth of stories on every corner.

Right now, all I can do is kiss you goodbye, because what I'm sure of is that from his wounds, an oyster builds a pearl.

Sincerely,

Broken down, but getting up again! 

I think i'm gonna go eat. I still sleep a lot. I slept 37 hours in 3 days. *I knw too damn much* I'm going to eat. and yeah u depressed people out there check out this douche bag on fb *youtube actually* -- Awais Ayoub add him up :P and check him out on youtube too http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=561rbfFQSkQ&feature=related

Sleep. My Escape?

I've bin sleeping a lot lately. Mostly cause waking everday means dealing with the fact tht m leaving and it hurts so bad, and this is one feeling i cant block out even if i want to. Each day i wake up is one day closer to the day i leave. All I wnna do is sleep and never get up. I dont feel like cooking anymore, or doing anything else. Why does this have to be so hard? I hvnt even talked to him in 2 days and I miss him already, how the fuck will I survive there? Uhhhhh this is so hard!! And just thinking of this gave me a headache. I hate leaving. I dont like being so so so much in love. I dont like needing someone this damn much. What do i do?

I keep pushing him away lately. At least thts what my minds telling me to do. Thats wat i do everytym something happens. I just strting pushing away people and I'm trying so hard ryt now to not push away him. Cause its absolutely killing me. I wnna spend every sec of each min left with him. Oh god whatever. I feel so torn apart. I push him away, my heart tugs on harder. I want to stay, but I wanna leave too. I need him, i hate needing him. Why? Why does this have to be so COMPLICATED? :( this love is killing me!!! Theres a knife stabbing my heart over and over again and the pain seems to keep increasing. There are days i dont feel the pain and days it just kills me. Every once in a while I'm sad. All the other times, I'm drowning. I'm sick of feeling this way. Why cant i just be happy? Why wont life just let me be happy? Ugh So many whys. So mny unanswered questions. They said life is hard. Truth is its almost impossible. Kills you every second.

I just gave up.

I've bin in a bad place lately. Basically cause I got accepted into Univeristy of Kuala Lumpur. Its ironic. Why? Cause a month ago I was depressed I din get into any university. And now when I get in, I'm depressed that I gotta leave. I was going through this folder of mine with all my certificates and results and the university application forms, the forms I never filled out, regardless the fact that they were my dream universities. I feel like I've given up my dream. Blah I dont feel like blogging anymore =_= I just gave up. It hurts. And is actually on the list on my regrets, which btw is a small list. I worked so hard till like 10th and then just gave up. whatever =_=
The lyrics that I keep listening to over and over again -- These feelings won't go away. They've been knockin' me sideways. I keep thinking in a moment that time will take them away but these feelings won't go away. Citizen Cope - Sideways

-Hanging in There

If these walls could talk ♥

If these walls could talk, they'd tell you exactly how many times has the glass been smashed and my blood smeared across them. They'd tell exactly how many tears I have cried and how many times this hearts been broken. They'd tell you everything I have been through. And that how close I am to breaking down, fading away. I could say I feel hollow inside, but truth be told, its a lie. The turmoil of my feelings inside are keeping me so emotionally off balance. My hearts aching. Aching so bad. It hurts. I cant find the words to describe the extent of the pain. Its aching. Aching to be stabbed. I would do anything to let the pain flow out, you know? The heartache? Has anyone felt it? Cause its killing me. I keep telling myself I can make it out of it but I just cant. I can hear the silent yet desperate pleas of my heart. Desperatly begging to take away this pain, anyhow. If death can do it, then so be it. Cause the idea of death is more appealing than this pain.
Being in love can be so hard. Loving your friends. Loving your family. Loving your guy. Its painful. When first I heard "Do you know" by Enrique Iglesias, the line "Do you know how it feels like to love someone, whos in a rush to throw you away?" barely meant anything to me. And now its the rythm to which my heart beats. Yes, being in love is hard. The line "This love is killing me" from Daughtry's song "Its not over" keeps echoing in my head in a mindless rythm. Imagine loving someone with all your heart and soul, and then you have yo leave him. Its hard. Its hard, not impossible. Now, imagine promising yourself that you're never gonna fall in love again after breaking off an almost 3 year relationship which killed you. And then you lock up your heart. Put up these unpenetrable walls around your heart. And then you fall in love. Swear not to tell the guy, but he makes you tell him. Then you get together with that guy, but instead of just letting yourself falling deeper in love, you fight that overwhelming feeling every second of every day and at the end of the each day, you realise that you've just fallen deeper and deeper. And when you think you cant fall any deeper, you do. You cant find even one flaw in him. And everything he does, just makes you fall deeper. Now a part of your heart is fighting the feeling of falling, yet another part is just telling you to give up. And eventually you do. You dont let him inside, but somehow he enters through the foresaken lonely walls of your broken heart and understand you, becoming your saving grace. Then you start to need him, need him insanely. It kills you to even think of losing him ever. And you dont tell him either how much you love him or how much you need him. Now... you have to leave this guy, with the only reason for the breakup as your moving to another country. All he talks about is how will you leave him. And how all the girls hes gonna be with after you leave. About all the beautiful, picture-perfect flawless, better-than-you girls. Now, this is what I call impossible. Dealing with this everyday. Dealing with the pain, the thoughts. It hurts like fucking crazy.
Trust me, never stop yourself from falling in love, you'd just fall deeper than normal people. Its insane. The need. The love. The pain.
My eyes are numb from crying. My hearts a mess. This heartache is killing me. I barely smile anymore. I just need a good hug. I need to cry it all out to someone. I keep saying "I'm ok". Normally, I can fool my heart into believing that but not this time, heartache is too much.
I fell too fast, too deep. ♥

Just Breathe

-xoxo