Doubts and Interrogation on Self Worth.

Lately my life keeps falling apart and then good things happen and then it falls apart all over again. I almost jumped off a building and also almost got hit by a car cause I basically jumped in front of it. I feel too messed up. They say confusion leads one astray and I’m lost, pretty sure that's different from astray. Mindfuck. This shit is not normal. Some days, I just need someone to save me, be able to lean on others' strength, I get tired of saving myself and sometimes I need to be taken care of, and not be the one taking care of people around me. 

I feel like I must be a horrible person because of all the things I have done, so I make more attempts than everybody else to be nice, to do good things but I screw up, and I screw up a lot. But does screwing up really make me such a bad person? And there are things I have done, things I shouldn't have, what does that make me? There is so much that no one knows about me. So freaking much.

Sometimes I wonder what if I told someone, anyone everything I’ve done in my life, told every secret I had, let in on my charade, told who I really am, told what was really going on, without any masks, would I be seen differently? Would I be such a bad person? Would I be worth it, would that be such a bad thing to trust someone with it?  I’m scared. But I’m curious and I’m afraid of what the truth might be. There's so much I want to say, but I'm so scared to give away every little secret that I hide behind (Courtesy of Jason Walker). I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.

We stopped talking and after 5 days I messaged him that I'm sorry. 5 days too late I’m guessing but I needed to cool my head before I messaged him, because he somehow always manages to bring out all these emotions I never knew I had. I know I screwed up bad with him, but am I not even worth replying? I miss him, doesn’t he miss me? *yes like a very sensitive female, I cried when I wrote that and I tear up every time I think of this*. I keep thinking about how he is doing. I see him in my dreams – and there he is; either screaming at me or questioning and telling me how I’m not worth it. I'm losing my mind. I don’t know if I should keep waiting for his reply or I should let him live in peace, I think I've done enough damage. But I'm not sure if I want to let go of him, I’m not ready to. I guess no one is ever ready to let go. My life feels weird and incomplete, out of place. I feel like such a screw up. People don’t know how it feels when one screws up constantly. No one enjoys it. It’s a horrible feeling.

Sad truth.

I feel so messed up lately, I can’t focus on anything and sometimes I get suicidal but then I snap into senses because my family doesn’t deserve this. Putting up a charade of being happy gets easier day by day. Life - oh god, yes there are amazing moments and parts in my life that I absolutely love, but there are amazingly screwed up things bringing me down. I'm happy and depressed and I'm lost, then I'm confused and then I'm laughing and I'm smiling - it is chaotic. Is this what life is all about - fucking with my emotions? It’s like my life is pms-ing, I thought that was my job.

I read somewhere that the things that you regret most are the things you didn’t do. And lately I've started to wonder if that's right. There are moments, beautiful spontaneous moments which I didn’t get caught up in and I just let them go and I keep wondering if I should have done that or not. Questions, these questions, will they ever cease in my head? I realized this week that I have a lot of people's backs, but very few have got mine. It’s infuriating. Sometimes I wonder what's the point of being so nice to people when you don’t get it in return. This shit keeps happening. This world can be such a dark place. I guess where there is light, there is darkness. Whatever, I still got family and a handful of people who matter, who cares. So I guess life isn’t that bad except the whole aghhhhhh why is my life so complicated, so happening – I swear there is ALWAYS something happening and it’s ironic since I hate drama - sure some light-hearted dramatic-ness with friends is always kickass, but THIS??? This is mindfuck. When I'm awake, I can't sleep; I can’t stop thinking and when I'm sleeping, I don’t want wake up; I don’t want my reality anymore.

Note this shit and mark my words - What I have learned recently - if you ever fall in love with your best friend or someone you'd want to keep in your life, love your friendship with that person more than how much you love him/her because trust me relationships come and go, you lose people once you break up. Even if you don’t lose them from your life, there's always something – history, drama and even bitterness. But between just friends, somehow all this drama doesn’t matter at the end of the day. And how did I conclude to this point? A friend of mine messaged me some days ago after an amazing phone call of one hour - "you know I’m so glad that you rejected me, I made a fool of myself asking you out because otherwise I would be one of your exs". Don’t fall in love with your friend, fall in love with your friendship.

I also found out recently that both and my only exs might be in KL within few months, which has resulted in horrifying dreams and constant “what if” thoughts. Damn it, why can’t things be normal for once? You know I haven’t gotten a good bear hug in ages. Damn it I miss hugs :/ the last good hug I got was on the 15^th of January at the airport when I ran back from immigration at the moment I realized I hadn’t said goodbye to my dad, and I was going for a handshake, but my dad went for a big dad-like and beary hug instead and I teared up. Damn it I’m emo again. I miss my dad.

Moving on, so I was reading about Heath Ledger, he died because he couldn’t sleep because he used to think too much (I got this shit from Wikipedia btw) and my first thought was "that's how I'm going to die". 

I've been doubting myself a lot recently. Some days, I just want to be like everyone else, without all these problems and drama. It's normal to have problems, but with me - dafuq is this?? So many screwed up things at once. And there's always something happening in my life. Always. But most days, I like being me. I have good things going on and bad ones, when I'm in a good moment, my problems don’t matter but when I’m stuck in a problem, I can still smile thinking of the good things. I guess that is good, right? Sometimes I look at my family, and I think to myself that I'm the luckiest person on earth and maybe that's why so much shit happens to me to keep a balance between the good and bad things in my life. I wish I could hibernate right now, but NOOOO, of course there will always be shit to do. Why won’t life give me a break - I even tried having kit-kat, didn’t work; I'm going to sue them. I have to shift by next week, few birthdays, hangouts, other shit, then finals and then the most awesome part – I’m flying back home finally. I’ve been far away for far too long.

Here's the song that defines how I feel almost everyday, every time I talk to someone close to me or well maybe not.