Unexpected Moments: My take on them ♥

Heads up for the long post. PS For dramatic effect, play song at the end of this blog before reading ^_^

Unexpected moments: and my take on them. Okaaay, so I’m still at loss of words to type due to certain recent event, will get to this later but I will tell you this now - Unexpected moments are like surprise buttsex - refer to 9gag. I just need the words to flow out and so I’ll talk about other shit till I can get it out. Capiche?

God :/ I’m unbelievably happy right now for no apparent reason, when I was immensely immersed in deep depressing life-pondering thoughts until an hour ago. Either that or I’m incredibly high.

This week I have been crazy sick, like really sick; the usual whole flu, fever, sore throat shit. So finally when I felt a little human on the inside, which was on Friday btw, I decided to class it up and dressed to impress, which all went to waste, almost, as everyone cancelled on me. Bitches. Its ok, I’ll get to them all later. 

Friday class was retarded. Why? As we all know it was 4/20 – if you know what I mean, for those who don’t, let me be blunt and tell you that it was “International Weed Day” – and weirdly I was high for no apparent reason and I wasn’t even on weed. I skipped class, well technically I got out of it because of some work, but come on it feels so bad ass saying I skipped it, so I ran out of it to the train station because this friend of mine had my hard disk, he needed pictures blah blah blah you know? He look so damn photoshopped that day, I squinted my eyes 3-4 times to check if it was my eyes or I needed my glasses cause I thought my head was screwing with my eyesight. So, I was writing about how I was high in class – my small mind wanders around a lot – so as I went out and other stuff, so as usual my lecturer made ME out of everyone else calculate the answers and all of them were repetitive numbers and I keep giggling like a little school girl or saying them out loud, really loud like some lottery announcing person. "16 666 66.9" or "113 333.33 33" LOL I was a retard. This entire paragraph was random bullshit btw, I am really bored. Its 11:45pm on Saturday night and I’m at home for god’s sake. Damn it I want to go out and dance.

Story of perfect timing:

We are crazy like that.

So Thursday, I was waiting for the bus with my friend discussing how we are going me to homeless

*le me: We could live in the uni, at the roof!!  It’ll be fun.
*le friend: Yeah and at night we’ll be like that guy *points behind me, and a wild homeless man appears*

LOOL it was hilarious. I know when you read it, it doesn’t sound that funny, but NO bitch it was hilarious.

Today, I watched my first football match –yes, I’m not a football freak- it was Chelsea against Arsenal and thanks to 9gag I, at least, know that the infamous Torres is in Chelsea. I spent the entire match giggling – I have been giggling a lot lately – and waiting for Torres to miss LOLOL.

Click to enlarge and then laugh. Credit to 9gag.

Moving on, this other day, I was stalking random hot facebook people so I read 3 really interesting life pondering stuff about love and since my love life is a disaster, which is one of the major reasons contributing to why I’m such a messed up person, I will analyze this shit:

1. Fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely. I’m sorry I strongly disagree with this. The best, yet also the worst, kind of love is one which creeps up at you out of nowhere, when you are neither ready nor prepared for it at a time in your life when you are most vulnerable.

2. There is a reason why your heart is on the left, it is not always right. Weirdly I found this very beautifully written, touching, and explained a lot shit in my life. And somehow after this I don’t feel like such a bad person anymore. We all make mistakes; we all get carried away in moments. We are only human after all.

3. Sometimes following your heart means breaking someone else’s. This one statement alone triggered a million contradictory feelings to erupt with inside. This defines what bitter truth feels like. This makes me question character. I know that it is common to do this, but the real question is will it ever be okay to do this?

Fuck this; love is a blind whore with mental disease and no sense of humor. Peace bitches.

Life feels like I’m on the road, cars racing past me like years flying by and these street lights passing are like moments in my life. In spite of this fast-track nature of life, certain moments come at me out of nowhere, stun me as they happen and it feels like they last for more than the mere moment that they occur in and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. Unexpected moments, which when you recall them in your head, you can hear music in the background; unexpected beautiful yet contradictory moments.  I read somewhere that the best moments in life are the ones you don't expect. I had a very unexpected, out of the blue moment this weekend – not mentioning what or where, stay curious bitches :I’m evil: - and for the longest time, which btw is 24 hours,  didn’t know what to make of it. 24 hours, 5 stages of grief and 1 box of cookies later, I still don’t know. LOL (I only wrote LOL because I’m still high). So I went through the 5 stages of grief because my mind was too stunned to differentiate between uncertainty and grief.

i. Denial - “oh no, oh no, oh no, what have I done?”

ii. Anger - "Why did I do this? I’m so stupid. God DAMN IT”

ii. Bargaining - Ok I didn’t do this stage.

iv. Depression – “I’m freaking horrible person” and other really depressing stuff including eating cookies and long walks in the cool night and morning, I got hugs though ♥

v. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay. It’s a part of life, growing up.”

To make up for the 3^rd step, I added my own 6^th step:

vi. Optimism: Fuck yeah, experience. Not bad.

Regrets are just a matter of perspective. I believe with a change of perspective we all can turn our “regrets” into “lessons learnt”. The world would be such a better place then. Don’t let the world get to you. Don’t be so hard on yourself, because I’ve been there, done that and it’s a really dark side of life. Life is beautiful, yes it fucks up a lot, but never hate it because where there is darkness, there is light, thus so if it is fucks up, it will also give you amazingly beautiful memories and with every fucked up shit, you learn something new, you find out friends who would truly stick by you and you discover the real strength in you. You learn to keep going even when everything is going wrong. Optimism is sanity. Stay strong.

Carpe Diem. Dum Vivimus, Vivamus. – Latin, use google translate.

 PS Drunk people give good advice and and shout out to Irfan Kharban Tufan, you're a good friend ♥ :)

Enjoy ♥ :)

Doubts and Interrogation on Self Worth.

Lately my life keeps falling apart and then good things happen and then it falls apart all over again. I almost jumped off a building and also almost got hit by a car cause I basically jumped in front of it. I feel too messed up. They say confusion leads one astray and I’m lost, pretty sure that's different from astray. Mindfuck. This shit is not normal. Some days, I just need someone to save me, be able to lean on others' strength, I get tired of saving myself and sometimes I need to be taken care of, and not be the one taking care of people around me. 

I feel like I must be a horrible person because of all the things I have done, so I make more attempts than everybody else to be nice, to do good things but I screw up, and I screw up a lot. But does screwing up really make me such a bad person? And there are things I have done, things I shouldn't have, what does that make me? There is so much that no one knows about me. So freaking much.

Sometimes I wonder what if I told someone, anyone everything I’ve done in my life, told every secret I had, let in on my charade, told who I really am, told what was really going on, without any masks, would I be seen differently? Would I be such a bad person? Would I be worth it, would that be such a bad thing to trust someone with it?  I’m scared. But I’m curious and I’m afraid of what the truth might be. There's so much I want to say, but I'm so scared to give away every little secret that I hide behind (Courtesy of Jason Walker). I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.

We stopped talking and after 5 days I messaged him that I'm sorry. 5 days too late I’m guessing but I needed to cool my head before I messaged him, because he somehow always manages to bring out all these emotions I never knew I had. I know I screwed up bad with him, but am I not even worth replying? I miss him, doesn’t he miss me? *yes like a very sensitive female, I cried when I wrote that and I tear up every time I think of this*. I keep thinking about how he is doing. I see him in my dreams – and there he is; either screaming at me or questioning and telling me how I’m not worth it. I'm losing my mind. I don’t know if I should keep waiting for his reply or I should let him live in peace, I think I've done enough damage. But I'm not sure if I want to let go of him, I’m not ready to. I guess no one is ever ready to let go. My life feels weird and incomplete, out of place. I feel like such a screw up. People don’t know how it feels when one screws up constantly. No one enjoys it. It’s a horrible feeling.

Sad truth.

I feel so messed up lately, I can’t focus on anything and sometimes I get suicidal but then I snap into senses because my family doesn’t deserve this. Putting up a charade of being happy gets easier day by day. Life - oh god, yes there are amazing moments and parts in my life that I absolutely love, but there are amazingly screwed up things bringing me down. I'm happy and depressed and I'm lost, then I'm confused and then I'm laughing and I'm smiling - it is chaotic. Is this what life is all about - fucking with my emotions? It’s like my life is pms-ing, I thought that was my job.

I read somewhere that the things that you regret most are the things you didn’t do. And lately I've started to wonder if that's right. There are moments, beautiful spontaneous moments which I didn’t get caught up in and I just let them go and I keep wondering if I should have done that or not. Questions, these questions, will they ever cease in my head? I realized this week that I have a lot of people's backs, but very few have got mine. It’s infuriating. Sometimes I wonder what's the point of being so nice to people when you don’t get it in return. This shit keeps happening. This world can be such a dark place. I guess where there is light, there is darkness. Whatever, I still got family and a handful of people who matter, who cares. So I guess life isn’t that bad except the whole aghhhhhh why is my life so complicated, so happening – I swear there is ALWAYS something happening and it’s ironic since I hate drama - sure some light-hearted dramatic-ness with friends is always kickass, but THIS??? This is mindfuck. When I'm awake, I can't sleep; I can’t stop thinking and when I'm sleeping, I don’t want wake up; I don’t want my reality anymore.

Note this shit and mark my words - What I have learned recently - if you ever fall in love with your best friend or someone you'd want to keep in your life, love your friendship with that person more than how much you love him/her because trust me relationships come and go, you lose people once you break up. Even if you don’t lose them from your life, there's always something – history, drama and even bitterness. But between just friends, somehow all this drama doesn’t matter at the end of the day. And how did I conclude to this point? A friend of mine messaged me some days ago after an amazing phone call of one hour - "you know I’m so glad that you rejected me, I made a fool of myself asking you out because otherwise I would be one of your exs". Don’t fall in love with your friend, fall in love with your friendship.

I also found out recently that both and my only exs might be in KL within few months, which has resulted in horrifying dreams and constant “what if” thoughts. Damn it, why can’t things be normal for once? You know I haven’t gotten a good bear hug in ages. Damn it I miss hugs :/ the last good hug I got was on the 15^th of January at the airport when I ran back from immigration at the moment I realized I hadn’t said goodbye to my dad, and I was going for a handshake, but my dad went for a big dad-like and beary hug instead and I teared up. Damn it I’m emo again. I miss my dad.

Moving on, so I was reading about Heath Ledger, he died because he couldn’t sleep because he used to think too much (I got this shit from Wikipedia btw) and my first thought was "that's how I'm going to die". 

I've been doubting myself a lot recently. Some days, I just want to be like everyone else, without all these problems and drama. It's normal to have problems, but with me - dafuq is this?? So many screwed up things at once. And there's always something happening in my life. Always. But most days, I like being me. I have good things going on and bad ones, when I'm in a good moment, my problems don’t matter but when I’m stuck in a problem, I can still smile thinking of the good things. I guess that is good, right? Sometimes I look at my family, and I think to myself that I'm the luckiest person on earth and maybe that's why so much shit happens to me to keep a balance between the good and bad things in my life. I wish I could hibernate right now, but NOOOO, of course there will always be shit to do. Why won’t life give me a break - I even tried having kit-kat, didn’t work; I'm going to sue them. I have to shift by next week, few birthdays, hangouts, other shit, then finals and then the most awesome part – I’m flying back home finally. I’ve been far away for far too long.

Here's the song that defines how I feel almost everyday, every time I talk to someone close to me or well maybe not. 

Updates. Random Talk.

So I have been lost for almost a month, well not really lost but man I have been busy. I haven’t blogged in almost a month. There’s so much to type. I swear if I don’t get all of it out, okaaay I don’t know what is going to happen. I need to TALK, type etc etc. I’ve been out of human touch for too long, well ok I meet humans but I don’t really get to talk as much as I used to so every time I see a fellow being of my race, I talk – and I mean talk talk as in I’m on adrenaline rush. I miss my 2 hour phone talks with my best friend.

So let’s start with something humorous, going to do the whole usual “depressing and motivational talk" in the next post.

So I must have mentioned going to Redang Island, right? Here’s a random conversation between me and a bald drunk guy:

Le him: You don’t remember me? we were on the orientation trip. I remember you – then goes on to tell everything he remembers about me.
Le me: Maybe you had hair back then.

I am mean when I’m high. I wasn’t high high, but I was high, like you know when it’s after 12, and you are awake and you haven’t slept in ages and you are on adrenaline rush and stuff like that. Though I did get offered weed like 20 to 30 min before that and I said no. I don’t need weed to get high (H).

Have you ever tried to celebrate 2 birthdays in one night in 2 completely different places? I did, and its hell – hell lot of fun, hell lot of pain and a hell lot of expenses. I spend almost 200 bucks in 1 night and for someone bordering the lines of broke, that is a shit-lot of money. But it was kickass and I’m going to be an obvious female and be happy about what I’m going to type next – My hair didn’t get ruined.

And I went on another kickass trip from my uni for a day and it was awesome to some water resort where we did stuff like treasure hunt *sounds lame but whatever*, water PARK RIDES absolutely love those, then something called flying fox, late night swim etc etc.

This is the customized shirt I got made for my friend's birthday :)

Last week, I found out I can be really dumb when I'm panicking. So last week, we went to KL lake gardens, pretty awesome place. So we were on the shuttle bus, so two of us were sitting with our legs hanging out from the bus and then she dropped her wallet out of the bus. So I thought I saw them ask the bus driver to stop but he didn’t - well that's what I thought, so when one of my friends said "get it SARAH" I just jumped off the bus, fell on the heel on my foot, then on my ass and elbows and finally hit my head. On the bright side, I got the wallet and the bus stopped. But everyone considers me suicidal -.- and anytime I go anywhere now, my friends tell other people "don’t let her jump off buses" LOOL. I also had my mandarin singing competition this week. My group sang " ching fei te yi" and I literally sang the word "something" in a Chinese accent changing the tone according to the music.

I also found out this week its amusing to call your classmates during class when their cell phone is not on silent, it is more fun to ask someone to turn off their silent mode and watch them panic LOL. The best part is when they don’t have your number and have no idea who is calling.

I spent Sunday night and Monday night doing my friend's assignment on euthanasia (assisted suicide) and that was creepy on an entirely new level.

I also failed a midterm this week :/ my studies this semester are going down. :/ I was also nail polishing my nails through a test, and when my classmate texted me the answers, I texted her back I cant write cause I'm drying my nails. That class was mad - I was like 1 and quarter hour late and when I walked in I pointed to my shopping bags justifying "I was not shopping". And within the next 15min my cell which btw was not on silent rang twice.

My angel just learned how to chat btw. Check it out XD his English is adorable XD click to enlarge♥ :)

Sometimes I look at my family, and I think to myself that I'm the luckiest person on earth and maybe that's why so much shit happens to me to keep a balance between the good and bad things in my life.
Also my mom is planning on sending one of the twins here, I mean SERIOUSLY I don’t care if they are un-identical. You do not separate twins D: especially ones that are friends D:

At 3 months, isn't he adorable ♥?

They make me feel like the luckiest person on earth ♥ 

So much keeps happening in my life. It's hard to keep up some days. So to chill I often find myself practicing memes in class, making the rage face, the no face etc etc.

PS My next post will be extremely long and depressing.

Enjoy ♥