To Wish Impossible Things ♥

I give up

I always tell myself it’s the last one or it’s the last time but I give into temptation. I give into my emotional turmoil and I won’t lie, I've acknowledged I have a problem and it's not going away unless I deal with but the truth I like myself this way but I afraid of what I'm turning into. I no longer have trouble sleeping at least not so much any more, I just blindly give into exhaustion as soon as I hit the bed and give into sleep. Giving in - it's a concept foreign to me. I don’t know how much harm it can do to me but it's easier that fighting. It's a blessing currently. I'm tired of fighting - it's emotionally exhausting. I can feel myself slowly dying on the inside. 

Though my insomnia has considerably reduced, I still often stay up at night needing, aching, thinking, regretting and wishing the impossible. I guess there is no solution to this – I just have to face the facts – things never work out the way you want them to. 

Haven't blogged for like 20 days now. The need to talk is overwhelming. So is this loneliness. I drained all my energy at first into my campaign and I didn't even make it to top 7. I could have used a win. What sucked the most was I didn’t even know why I lost – cause everyone else’s speech was like in Malay except 1 or 2 people. I tried so hard and well; it may have bruised my heart a little to lose and I cried my eyes dry and got sick after losing – dramatic much? Anyways, I come to an agreement to the fact I didn’t win and it doesn’t bother me so much anymore – Hell, there’s always next year, right? 

Every day here, it rains and the rain is so heavenly beautiful that it brings out the artist in me as the lights dance before my eyes. Sometimes I wish I had someone to just share the beauty of it all but then again I’m afraid people won’t see my perspective. Perspective; it matter a lot. It’s the key to understanding – and I hate it when people fail to see mine. I guess I’ve found why I’m always alone. 

This weekend I yet again realized that sometimes solutions aren’t so simple and everything isn't black and white, there are so many shades of grey in between. I’ve made decisions that killed me but it doesn’t matter – it helped out other people. Some days, my life is so beautiful and I can’t even begin to express how I feel but most days and every night I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of sorrow. My words keep building up. I’m suffocating in the prison of my mind and the need to talk is over whelming. I just need to let all these emotions just fucking out. I need to get so much out of my system. So many things; things that feel like the right kind of wrong, wishful things that will never happen, things haunting my mind, things caging me. 

Words don’t flow from my hands when I type. I fear I’m losing my touch – like I’m getting and more caged every day. If I don’t write, I won’t have any outlet to express. I can’t write anymore – I’m scared. I could use a little saving. I dont like how I feel anymore. My head is swirling - it's like I'm high. Some things feel like drugs running through my veins. I dont feel want this way anymore but it feels like the right kind of wrong. I trying so fucking hard to get this out of my system but it's so hard I cant sleep anymore. And when I sleep, I don't want to wake up anymore; it's the only world where he is mine. I'm scared of the dark road I might be taking. What the fuck do I do? 

I dream about him. I don’t want to ache anymore when I see him. I think I'm falling for him.

Listen to Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran btw ♥

I'm just so lost - save me someone. I'm so so lost - I'm drowning in forbidden feelings and emotions. All I want are all the wrong things, I wish someone would make it okay. Save me from this dark road. Agh Fuck this - I need him to save me from myself. But he doesnt even know how I feel and here I am, just wishing impossible things.