Everyday Turmoils ♥: I'm guessing PMS.

I haven’t blogged in AGES.

Btw me today -

I'm lying.

Let’s see what have I been up to – (Excuse all the 9gag references)

Here’s something I wrote 2 weeks ago –

It’s like every day I drown a little more and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m getting sucked down a quicksand of depression and delusion. And there is nobody to pull me out but the truth is even if there was someone - I'd probably pass up on the help - my ego about my independency would just wouldn’t let me. They say sometimes we all need a little help. But I beg to differ - this whole saving grace/guardian angel thing is what makes life like an hourglass - it keeps the circle of ups and downs of life going. Someone saves you - you start depending on them blah blah and then dang! People fucking always leave. If not leave, people change which is just as bad as them leaving. So fuck life - who knows what is at the end of this quicksand - how much darker can life get? I could really use a little stability, something permanent in life. But honestly I don’t believe anything in life is permanent. Cause I don’t have the answer to that question. Actually, I don’t have any answers, just a bunch of questions that haunt me every day, keep me up every night. Why, why the fuck cant I get out of this? Sometimes I just stand in the sunlight to warm the chills I feel from the ice inside my soul. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. And sometimes I realize I have a really dark side that I have been suppressing for far too long. And these feelings I have are starting to scare me now. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

So pretty ♥

Here’s something from yesterday –

I've never felt such white hot blinding rage as felt. Don’t know how long before I fucking lose it.

Beach Partying Yeah!

That btw was a status update LOL sorry I haven’t been writing at all. Got no time, I have no idea about time. It’s like sand slipping through my fingers (dry sand btw). So firstly I finally went to Redang Island as I think I mentioned in one of my previous blogs. And yes it was as Kick-ass as I thought it would. Fuck Yeah!! Made new friends, beach partying, lost my phone, snorkeling, found my phone, truth and dare, hangover – well, you know stuff you do at a tiny ass island. And the rest of the week I missed like a shit lot of classes and I’m guessing I’m barred from most subjects’ exams but well I got a month before finals – so ATTEND ALL REPLACEMENT CLASSES!! Oh I also had a kickass weekend last week – awesome food, awesome partying, finally watched some new movies, attended a free Nicole Scherzinger concert and did I mention awesome food?

Food is Love ♥

Anyways, I did a lot of my usual pondering over life – Seriously, I need to be a little less serious. Anyways, I was wondering about love and imperfections and yes these thoughts did result from my personal insecurities. Anyways, I was wondering how they say love is realizing the imperfections make your better half more beautiful, but then why is it so that everyone everywhere is trying to fix each other’s imperfections. This world is filled with people who contradict themselves every day.

Oh God – either I am pms-ing today or I really am a messed up person. I’m guessing the latter one is correct but I’m going to choose the first one – come on, I don’t want to be some messed up person. Anyways, the mood swings I’ve had today – they weren’t much as I slept throughout the day, I slept 20 hours straight but I think I woke up in the middle for an hour and skyped but I don’t remember. But seriously - LIFE?!?! Y U SO HARD -_- Lately – as in from 4 days ago, I was kick-ass happy before that - I feel immensely messed up. Btw all my posts maybe depressed not because I’m a depressed person but because I choose to blog only when I’m depressed or well bored. And currently – grief is an ocean and I’m drowning. Frustration, anxiety, anger, depression – all these crazy feelings are extremely heightened currently in me.

Hurricane of fucking emotions

However -

My Beautiful Chaotic Life ♥

There are these moments every day, regardless of my extremely chaotic, messed-up life I feel everything will be okay – moments when I burst into pointless smiles, or when I’m talking my huge family on Skype and they are all trying to fit into the screen. And sometimes I feel so blessed that I feel happiness bubbling from inside me. It’s more like a ray of light brightening up everything like how the sunrise slowly lights up the world every morning. So I have my fingers crossed hoping I’ll live.