I'm guessing PMS.

I haven’t blogged in AGES. 

Btw me today - 

I'm lying.

 Let’s see what have I been up to – (Excuse all the 9gag references)

Here’s something I wrote 2 weeks ago –

It’s like every day I drown a little more and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m getting sucked down a quicksand of depression and delusion. And there is nobody to pull me out but the truth is even if there was someone - I'd probably pass up on the help - my ego about my independency would just wouldn’t let me. They say sometimes we all need a little help. But I beg to differ - this whole saving grace/guardian angel thing is what makes life like an hourglass - it keeps the circle of ups and downs of life going. Someone saves you - you start depending on them blah blah and then dang! People fucking always leave. If not leave, people change which is just as bad as them leaving. So fuck life - who knows what is at the end of this quicksand - how much darker can life get? I could really use a little stability, something permanent in life. But honestly I don’t believe anything in life is permanent. Cause I don’t have the answer to that question. Actually, I don’t have any answers, just a bunch of questions that haunt me every day, keep me up every night. Why, why the fuck cant I get out of this? Sometimes I just stand in the sunlight to warm the chills I feel from the ice inside my soul. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. And sometimes I realize I have a really dark side that I have been suppressing for far too long. And these feelings I have are starting to scare me now. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

So pretty ♥

Here’s something from yesterday –

I've never felt such white hot blinding rage as felt. Don’t know how long before I fucking lose it.

Beach Partying Yeah!

That btw was a status update LOL sorry I haven’t been writing at all. Got no time, I have no idea about time. It’s like sand slipping through my fingers (dry sand btw). So firstly I finally went to Redang Island as I think I mentioned in one of my previous blogs. And yes it was as Kick-ass as I thought it would. Fuck Yeah!! Made new friends, beach partying, lost my phone, snorkeling, found my phone, truth and dare, hangover – well, you know stuff you do at a tiny ass island. And the rest of the week I missed like a shit lot of classes and I’m guessing I’m barred from most subjects’ exams but well I got a month before finals – so ATTEND ALL REPLACEMENT CLASSES!! Oh I also had a kickass weekend last week – awesome food, awesome partying, finally watched some new movies, attended a free Nicole Scherzinger concert and did I mention awesome food?

Food is Love ♥

Anyways, I did a lot of my usual pondering over life – Seriously, I need to be a little less serious. Anyways, I was wondering about love and imperfections and yes these thoughts did result from my personal insecurities. Anyways, I was wondering how they say love is realizing the imperfections make your better half more beautiful, but then why is it so that everyone everywhere is trying to fix each other’s imperfections. This world is filled with people who contradict themselves every day.

Oh God – either I am pms-ing today or I really am a messed up person. I’m guessing the latter one is correct but I’m going to choose the first one – come on, I don’t want to be some messed up person. Anyways, the mood swings I’ve had today – they weren’t much as I slept throughout the day, I slept 20 hours straight but I think I woke up in the middle for an hour and skyped but I don’t remember. But seriously - LIFE?!?! Y U SO HARD -_- Lately – as in from 4 days ago, I was kick-ass happy before that - I feel immensely messed up. Btw all my posts maybe depressed not because I’m a depressed person but because I choose to blog only when I’m depressed or well bored. And currently – grief is an ocean and I’m drowning. Frustration, anxiety, anger, depression – all these crazy feelings are extremely heightened currently in me.

Hurricane of fucking emotions

However -

My Beautiful Chaotic Life ♥

There are these moments every day, regardless of my extremely chaotic, messed-up life I feel everything will be okay – moments when I burst into pointless smiles, or when I’m talking my huge family on Skype and they are all trying to fit into the screen. And sometimes I feel so blessed that I feel happiness bubbling from inside me. It’s more like a ray of light brightening up everything like how the sunrise slowly lights up the world every morning. So I have my fingers crossed hoping I’ll live.

 

Family XD

Anyways check out this really awesome song -

Nothing Compares 2 U - Culture Shock ♥

9gag has my soul. Here’s a Potato!

9gag.com ♥

To Wish Impossible Things ♥

I give up

I always tell myself it’s the last one or it’s the last time but I give into temptation. I give into my emotional turmoil and I won’t lie, I've acknowledged I have a problem and it's not going away unless I deal with but the truth I like myself this way but I afraid of what I'm turning into. I no longer have trouble sleeping at least not so much any more, I just blindly give into exhaustion as soon as I hit the bed and give into sleep. Giving in - it's a concept foreign to me. I don’t know how much harm it can do to me but it's easier that fighting. It's a blessing currently. I'm tired of fighting - it's emotionally exhausting. I can feel myself slowly dying on the inside. 

Though my insomnia has considerably reduced, I still often stay up at night needing, aching, thinking, regretting and wishing the impossible. I guess there is no solution to this – I just have to face the facts – things never work out the way you want them to. 

Haven't blogged for like 20 days now. The need to talk is overwhelming. So is this loneliness. I drained all my energy at first into my campaign and I didn't even make it to top 7. I could have used a win. What sucked the most was I didn’t even know why I lost – cause everyone else’s speech was like in Malay except 1 or 2 people. I tried so hard and well; it may have bruised my heart a little to lose and I cried my eyes dry and got sick after losing – dramatic much? Anyways, I come to an agreement to the fact I didn’t win and it doesn’t bother me so much anymore – Hell, there’s always next year, right? 

Every day here, it rains and the rain is so heavenly beautiful that it brings out the artist in me as the lights dance before my eyes. Sometimes I wish I had someone to just share the beauty of it all but then again I’m afraid people won’t see my perspective. Perspective; it matter a lot. It’s the key to understanding – and I hate it when people fail to see mine. I guess I’ve found why I’m always alone. 

This weekend I yet again realized that sometimes solutions aren’t so simple and everything isn't black and white, there are so many shades of grey in between. I’ve made decisions that killed me but it doesn’t matter – it helped out other people. Some days, my life is so beautiful and I can’t even begin to express how I feel but most days and every night I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of sorrow. My words keep building up. I’m suffocating in the prison of my mind and the need to talk is over whelming. I just need to let all these emotions just fucking out. I need to get so much out of my system. So many things; things that feel like the right kind of wrong, wishful things that will never happen, things haunting my mind, things caging me. 

Words don’t flow from my hands when I type. I fear I’m losing my touch – like I’m getting and more caged every day. If I don’t write, I won’t have any outlet to express. I can’t write anymore – I’m scared. I could use a little saving. I dont like how I feel anymore. My head is swirling - it's like I'm high. Some things feel like drugs running through my veins. I dont feel want this way anymore but it feels like the right kind of wrong. I trying so fucking hard to get this out of my system but it's so hard I cant sleep anymore. And when I sleep, I don't want to wake up anymore; it's the only world where he is mine. I'm scared of the dark road I might be taking. What the fuck do I do? 

I dream about him. I don’t want to ache anymore when I see him. I think I'm falling for him.

Listen to Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran btw ♥

I'm just so lost - save me someone. I'm so so lost - I'm drowning in forbidden feelings and emotions. All I want are all the wrong things, I wish someone would make it okay. Save me from this dark road. Agh Fuck this - I need him to save me from myself. But he doesnt even know how I feel and here I am, just wishing impossible things.