I'm guessing PMS.

I haven’t blogged in AGES. 

Btw me today - 

I'm lying.

 Let’s see what have I been up to – (Excuse all the 9gag references)

Here’s something I wrote 2 weeks ago –

It’s like every day I drown a little more and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m getting sucked down a quicksand of depression and delusion. And there is nobody to pull me out but the truth is even if there was someone - I'd probably pass up on the help - my ego about my independency would just wouldn’t let me. They say sometimes we all need a little help. But I beg to differ - this whole saving grace/guardian angel thing is what makes life like an hourglass - it keeps the circle of ups and downs of life going. Someone saves you - you start depending on them blah blah and then dang! People fucking always leave. If not leave, people change which is just as bad as them leaving. So fuck life - who knows what is at the end of this quicksand - how much darker can life get? I could really use a little stability, something permanent in life. But honestly I don’t believe anything in life is permanent. Cause I don’t have the answer to that question. Actually, I don’t have any answers, just a bunch of questions that haunt me every day, keep me up every night. Why, why the fuck cant I get out of this? Sometimes I just stand in the sunlight to warm the chills I feel from the ice inside my soul. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. And sometimes I realize I have a really dark side that I have been suppressing for far too long. And these feelings I have are starting to scare me now. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

So pretty ♥

Here’s something from yesterday –

I've never felt such white hot blinding rage as felt. Don’t know how long before I fucking lose it.

Beach Partying Yeah!

That btw was a status update LOL sorry I haven’t been writing at all. Got no time, I have no idea about time. It’s like sand slipping through my fingers (dry sand btw). So firstly I finally went to Redang Island as I think I mentioned in one of my previous blogs. And yes it was as Kick-ass as I thought it would. Fuck Yeah!! Made new friends, beach partying, lost my phone, snorkeling, found my phone, truth and dare, hangover – well, you know stuff you do at a tiny ass island. And the rest of the week I missed like a shit lot of classes and I’m guessing I’m barred from most subjects’ exams but well I got a month before finals – so ATTEND ALL REPLACEMENT CLASSES!! Oh I also had a kickass weekend last week – awesome food, awesome partying, finally watched some new movies, attended a free Nicole Scherzinger concert and did I mention awesome food?

Food is Love ♥

Anyways, I did a lot of my usual pondering over life – Seriously, I need to be a little less serious. Anyways, I was wondering about love and imperfections and yes these thoughts did result from my personal insecurities. Anyways, I was wondering how they say love is realizing the imperfections make your better half more beautiful, but then why is it so that everyone everywhere is trying to fix each other’s imperfections. This world is filled with people who contradict themselves every day.

Oh God – either I am pms-ing today or I really am a messed up person. I’m guessing the latter one is correct but I’m going to choose the first one – come on, I don’t want to be some messed up person. Anyways, the mood swings I’ve had today – they weren’t much as I slept throughout the day, I slept 20 hours straight but I think I woke up in the middle for an hour and skyped but I don’t remember. But seriously - LIFE?!?! Y U SO HARD -_- Lately – as in from 4 days ago, I was kick-ass happy before that - I feel immensely messed up. Btw all my posts maybe depressed not because I’m a depressed person but because I choose to blog only when I’m depressed or well bored. And currently – grief is an ocean and I’m drowning. Frustration, anxiety, anger, depression – all these crazy feelings are extremely heightened currently in me.

Hurricane of fucking emotions

However -

My Beautiful Chaotic Life ♥

There are these moments every day, regardless of my extremely chaotic, messed-up life I feel everything will be okay – moments when I burst into pointless smiles, or when I’m talking my huge family on Skype and they are all trying to fit into the screen. And sometimes I feel so blessed that I feel happiness bubbling from inside me. It’s more like a ray of light brightening up everything like how the sunrise slowly lights up the world every morning. So I have my fingers crossed hoping I’ll live.

 

Family XD

Anyways check out this really awesome song -

Nothing Compares 2 U - Culture Shock ♥

9gag has my soul. Here’s a Potato!

9gag.com ♥

To Wish Impossible Things ♥

I give up

I always tell myself it’s the last one or it’s the last time but I give into temptation. I give into my emotional turmoil and I won’t lie, I've acknowledged I have a problem and it's not going away unless I deal with but the truth I like myself this way but I afraid of what I'm turning into. I no longer have trouble sleeping at least not so much any more, I just blindly give into exhaustion as soon as I hit the bed and give into sleep. Giving in - it's a concept foreign to me. I don’t know how much harm it can do to me but it's easier that fighting. It's a blessing currently. I'm tired of fighting - it's emotionally exhausting. I can feel myself slowly dying on the inside. 

Though my insomnia has considerably reduced, I still often stay up at night needing, aching, thinking, regretting and wishing the impossible. I guess there is no solution to this – I just have to face the facts – things never work out the way you want them to. 

Haven't blogged for like 20 days now. The need to talk is overwhelming. So is this loneliness. I drained all my energy at first into my campaign and I didn't even make it to top 7. I could have used a win. What sucked the most was I didn’t even know why I lost – cause everyone else’s speech was like in Malay except 1 or 2 people. I tried so hard and well; it may have bruised my heart a little to lose and I cried my eyes dry and got sick after losing – dramatic much? Anyways, I come to an agreement to the fact I didn’t win and it doesn’t bother me so much anymore – Hell, there’s always next year, right? 

Every day here, it rains and the rain is so heavenly beautiful that it brings out the artist in me as the lights dance before my eyes. Sometimes I wish I had someone to just share the beauty of it all but then again I’m afraid people won’t see my perspective. Perspective; it matter a lot. It’s the key to understanding – and I hate it when people fail to see mine. I guess I’ve found why I’m always alone. 

This weekend I yet again realized that sometimes solutions aren’t so simple and everything isn't black and white, there are so many shades of grey in between. I’ve made decisions that killed me but it doesn’t matter – it helped out other people. Some days, my life is so beautiful and I can’t even begin to express how I feel but most days and every night I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of sorrow. My words keep building up. I’m suffocating in the prison of my mind and the need to talk is over whelming. I just need to let all these emotions just fucking out. I need to get so much out of my system. So many things; things that feel like the right kind of wrong, wishful things that will never happen, things haunting my mind, things caging me. 

Words don’t flow from my hands when I type. I fear I’m losing my touch – like I’m getting and more caged every day. If I don’t write, I won’t have any outlet to express. I can’t write anymore – I’m scared. I could use a little saving. I dont like how I feel anymore. My head is swirling - it's like I'm high. Some things feel like drugs running through my veins. I dont feel want this way anymore but it feels like the right kind of wrong. I trying so fucking hard to get this out of my system but it's so hard I cant sleep anymore. And when I sleep, I don't want to wake up anymore; it's the only world where he is mine. I'm scared of the dark road I might be taking. What the fuck do I do? 

I dream about him. I don’t want to ache anymore when I see him. I think I'm falling for him.

Listen to Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran btw ♥

I'm just so lost - save me someone. I'm so so lost - I'm drowning in forbidden feelings and emotions. All I want are all the wrong things, I wish someone would make it okay. Save me from this dark road. Agh Fuck this - I need him to save me from myself. But he doesnt even know how I feel and here I am, just wishing impossible things.

To All Those Who Are Lost, Lonely, Afraid & Unsure ♥

Heads up - This one is all emo at first but it gets better. Haven't done this sort of inspirational thing in a while.

I survived Thursday. And I survived Friday. So - cheers to the freaking weekend I'll drink to that. I made it through the weekend too.

Sunday morning and I was up at 8 am for god knows what reason. I wish I had a button to turn off my mind.

Thursday night was the first time ever in my life I was jealous of something I never thought I would be – my friend’s ability to sleep without anything haunting her mind and keeping her up, while I was studying with my friend, when she decided to take a nap for 5-10 min and she fell asleep instantly.

 Recently, it has been storming a lot in KL and the rain makes me want to throw caution to the wind and get drenched head to toe; just soak up in few of the wonderful things life can give, forget every fucked up thing, listen to the rain falling against the ground and feel the raindrops smash across my face. But from behind my window, all this rain reminds me is of the storm raging inside me – torn between what’s right and what I want, between reality and fantasies, between head and heart.

Some blogs ago in some blog, I wrote - Optimism is sanity and love takes away all sanity. If that is so, I have not one ounce of sanity left in me - everything is chaos and I have no one to talk to about it and yet again my words are building up, slowly suffocating me on the inside but no one can see me. I'm drowning - it's like I'm invisible and love is the rope that is slowly closing up around my neck. I can't breathe anymore. And every time I see him, my heart aches and I need him with an intensity that I can't sleep at night anymore, he haunts my mind and his thoughts stalk my everything I do.

I feel like I can’t find any source of inspiration other than pain – is that even healthy? I feel like I’m slowly being sucked down the drain of depression again. I feel like I’m driving on a long dark road; I can't see a thing and I don’t know where this road is leading to and I’m afraid I’ll land up lost again.

Late at night, every night - if you can't sleep - walk out of your room into the peaceful serenity of the night, light up a cigarette, play some music and smoke up while the night air chills you to your very core till you can't think anymore and exhaustion hits you and you drowse to sleep.

Everything may not always work out and things may not fall to pieces. There will be days where you will feel like a disaster on the inside. But what really matters is if you can smile randomly out of the blue at the end of the day or at the beginning of the day or somewhere in the middle of the day or if you wake up and don’t recall depression, you should know your problems aren’t as huge as you may perceive them to be. And if you can smile regardless what life throws at you, you should know it’ll be ok. As corny as I find the saying “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”, it’s not been said for no reason; it is no doubt true.

 

 So to all those people who are lost, afraid, lonely & unsure of what the future holds, hang in there. Trust me on this, it will fall in place and this crazy world might just start making sense. About some things in life, I’m not sure myself and honest to God I’m hoping everything works out cause I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this messed-up-ness *is that even a word??* and I sure as hell don’t know what I would do if things don’t work out. Life is one jigsaw puzzle after the other, you solve one and the life will throw the same picture smashed in different puzzle pieces to you. 

But always remember - it's in the absolute darkness of the night, when the stars light up the sky to guide you.

And a million stars light up my world every night ♥

Listen to Skylar Grey - Invisible ♥

I made it ♥

I made it through Wednesday. Yay! There was a shit load to do. I woke at 3 am to pull a presentation and 2 Mandarin assignments out of somewhere – was gonna write ass first, but it sounded weird, nobody pulls out anything out of their ass.

I kept freaking falling asleep in my first class, and inside the class it was cold as Narnia during the time of the white witch – ironic, since outside the university it’s like Mordor’s hell. After this class, I baked myself in the sun for an hour and thankfully I made it through the next class without freezing to death.

The hardest thing I did today was keeping my sarcasm to myself throughout the Mandarin class. My lecturer can say some of the most ridiculous things. Also, he cleared any doubts I had about Russell Peters being wrong – clearly he was right about the Chinese in every perspective and he also missed some others which he would have noticed if a Chinese lecturer ever taught him. They will certainly come before time and never, not even by mistake leave a minute before they have to.

 

Today, he told us to carry out Mandarin dictionaries with us wherever we go, like it’s our BOYFRIEND or GIRLFRIEND and look the Chinese words wherever we see them. That is honestly much much worse than being forever alone level 9000. He also told us to learn the dictionary in our free time – Yes, because all I have ever wanted to do in my free time is learn the Mandarin dictionary. Thankfully, that class got over soon.

I had 4 hours of gap during which I did a shitload of things. Literally my most hectic day up to date – I went gave my presentation to my friend, got my sketch scanned, then went and enhanced the sketch, then paid for my awesome trip, then I went grabbed lunch, and then ran off to Times Square – Yes, Malaysia also has one; it’s a 10 storey mall, heaven for shoppers – then looked around for a decent T-shirt and then got my sketch printed on it and it looked better than I thought it would. I honestly wish right now that I could keep the shirt but sadly, I can’t; it’s a gift. I’ll upload a picture after I’ve given it away.

I reached just 20 minutes before my class, which went surprisingly well – considering I had to present a presentation with a group that I didn’t have, but my good luck - the projector didn’t work. Some of my classmates did talk to me too and then gave me something weird to eat while they laughed at my expression *god damn I don’t know what on earth I ate* – so YAY I’m not invisible anymore and the best part of all the lecturer ended the class early.

I missed the god-damn bus, which meant waiting for 50 minute for the next one. All my depressed thoughts suppressed deep inside starting surfacing and so I sat and listened to Eminem. His songs flow through my veins like a drug and I can’t think of anything but listen to the music. That guy is legend.

But as I sat there in the pouring rain, waiting by the bus stand, I looked around and saw everyone had someone to talk, and I knew some of the people passing by, yet, I didn’t really know anyone around here and no one really knows who I am. I tried to not let it get to me. But it did anyways. The most depressing thing I realized today was no one has ever asked me even once how I am doing on the inside – which made me realize that I should it more often too. Hell, we all should cause you never know how close somebody is to going over the edge. Anyone can look happy, but still be messed up on the inside. So the next time you meet your friends, ask them if they are doing okay, let them know you care.

Btw, I finished off an entire regular pizza and I am god damn proud of that. After which I got 11 hours of decent sleep. Food & Sleep - perfect ending to an almost acceptably good day.

Got to go for class. All you people out there with their lives messed up, just keep holding on, through on an Eminem record – or iPod – and listen to Beautiful by him. It will definitely inspire you and you’ll get through all of this crazy life stuff :)

Oh This Just got to be The Good Life ♥

Redang Island

Today was a weird day, had the usual boring classes – one even got cut short, which was pretty awesome, got invited to this seminar on Saturday, well more like I got forced to accept cause it is compulsory to attend but they gave it as in the name of invitation anyways and got invited (this time it was an actual invitation) to choose between 2 trips – one is a one-day resort and the other is a 4-day trip to an island, of course I chose the island DUH! Bitching Awesome. Then I realized that the stupid seminar – yes it is going to be stupid, it is on the cultural diversity of my uni followed by a football match, neither if which interests me – interferes with my weekend plans to chill with my friend *sad face*.

So I called my friend today at 3pm for a change of plans for this weekend, this is somewhat how the conversation went. It was pretty hilarious.

*Music in the background*

Me: Got my text? Sunday, sure?

Rouaa: Yeah, are you in a party?

Me: LOL nop bus.

Rouaa: Whaaaat bus is that? D:

Also, we had a new lecturer and man that guy is like the terminator or something. No notes, actually strict and other scary stuff which I can’t seem to remember right now. Doesn’t matter. After explaining the syllabus, he went like “Why do I see all worried face? Why so serious?” LOL the last part made me think of Joker – yes from batman DUH and a bunch of 9gag posts – and mostly our reactions were “No, just sleepy. Differentiate.”

Some days I feel like everyone around me is trying to turn me into lesbian. God damn it – No I don’t need the details of the hot chick you saw, or the one walking behind you or any other – I mean seriously? She’s got a figure I get it – No I don’t need the intimate details. This friend of mine actually used to make me check out chicks with him -_- He still does it – well I love him anyways. Though, it is pretty awesome to be on the other end of the checking out shit.

I have a few concepts in my head for some artwork but I can’t seem to get my lazy ass to actually get to do them. My schedule is so freaking hectic, especially today – my Wednesday just started and I have class from 9 am to 9pm with gaps of course during which I have a million things to do. God damn, I wish I could fly my ass back to ksa back into my own bed and sleep.

I did none-what-so-ever pondering on the meaning of life today and finally today for the first time in almost half a year, I didn’t have much trouble sleeping.

I texted this friend of mine – the same one who makes me check out girls – like a million times but apparently he had lost his cell and put his sim in another cell so he didn’t know who it was so he never replied. Then he finally called me.

Me: You son of a bitch -

Him: Hi sarah

LOL he guessed it was me with my few words :D how awesome is that :D

 

All in all my life is going pretty good which is messing with my head cause I don’t remember the last time my life went this smooth. Shocking though. My sarcasm is back – thankyou 9gag & thankyou Chandler Bing for giving it to me in the first place. I’m on a roll bitches.

I'm not really good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead?

Have nothing inspiring on me yet. Sucks. Might upload my sketches later someday.

 Hit me with your best shot - Wednesday Classes ♥

Random Talk

I had classes on Saturday. Seriously, I don't know why I even went. My days are flying, I cant tell when the week ends and when a new one starts. Anyways, as I had Saturday class, I skipped today's class - actually I was sick but I feel like a bad ass saying I skipped it LOL.

Anyways, finally all my friends are back in KL - Party TIME Bitches! I met a few of my friends this Saturday. Man, my friends can be so so so overly protective of me sometimes - well, I don't blame, my hostel did spring out the doors of the Mordor's doom. My area is creepy, but seriously my friends treat me like I'm a ball of fluff like if I don't go back before night I'll get kidnapped or raped or something. Lol it is kind off cute sometimes and I effin love them for it. This weekend was shit ass boring - my friends played pool, I watched. They smoked, I watched. They talked, I watched *they were speaking in bangla which is like Chinese to me cause I get only bits of Chinese*.

At least, I had amazing food. I had the best subway sandwich. Heaven in my mouth.

Chicken Teriyaki is Love ♥

This year I have to sing. In Chinese. In a group - Chinese Idol much? How much more ridiculous can my life get? Oh god Why? Every time I learn Chinese, I feel like a freaking dog cause saying the same thing in another tone means something else exactly how a dog barks the same thing to send out different messages. Not that I'm racist - who am I kidding, okay I am very racist sometimes, only sometimes - I know how Chinese torture people, they can just teach us their language, it's so fucking hard, how on earth is it the 3rd most spoken language?

I'm so swamped with studies, friends, things to do, birthdays, tests right now - I have no time to stay in touch with my parents, which sucks. HOME?!?! Y U SO FAR AWAY!

I've been 9gagging too god-damn much -_-

True Story Bro!

I've this bad-ass craving to go and dance like a maniac but unfortunately I cant. Too much. Why is there so much month at the end of my money? Right now, it's literally storming outside. It's beautiful and all I want to do is give into chaos, run out and dance in the rain like a maniac but sadly cant risk getting sick.

Oh god tomorrow is "Forever Alone Day". I honestly don't get the point of valentines. Just another reason to spend money. Oh god I'll have to suffer seeing gooey couples everywhere I go which sucks - throws up. Buy roses, chocolates, gifts, romantic gestures and fucking RED & PINK EVERYWHERE - BARF. I know I am like a romantic but seriously Valentine's is lame. Saint Valentines is no Romeo & Juliet. I honestly prefer sleeping and enjoy another subway sandwich while I watch Community - awesome show btw.

Moving on to a little more serious things.

I still have probably sleeping. It's like my mind is haunted. My brain really likes to fuck around with me. Don't get me wrong, my life is going amazing - It's like I'm on a roll with good things, and often I find myself smiling for no reason, I'm dancing and I'm singing - summary; I'm happy. But damn KL is lonely. I'm sitting in a classroom full of people and no one really knows who I am. No one talks to me. I'm sitting inside my room, I have roommates and loneliness is scarring the inside of my head. Loneliness occupies me when I'm in my room, but when I'm outside alone, it's solitude that I feel. If no one has every told you this before, then I'll tell you this - the worst feeling on earth is feeling alone in a crowd. Only when I'm writing I feel alive, like I'm talking, I start typing and the words flow through my mind unto the screen.  Also a few certain things keep bothering me all night. Though this semester is hell better than the last one, at least I have my passport - YES I lost my passport last semester, I thought I would never go home, it was mental torture.

Anyways, my uncontrollable thoughts are such a fucking burden, it is mental anguish. My life at night feels like it walked out of Coldplay's song "Fix You" - "When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can't sleep. Stuck in Reverse". I feel so emotionally exhausted. Like my world is falling and I'm trying so hard to keep it together or like it is changing and I'm draining all my energy to keep everything the same. Truth be told I think it is the change. Change scares me sometimes. People change for better or for worse. Sometimes changes are painful. I don't know how long before I give in and just let it happen. I'm not ready for any changes right now. My life can be so beautiful sometimes, most of the times actually. All this fighting, secrets, holding back, suffocation, loneliness is draining out all my energy. All the end of the day, I'm smiling and I'm crying. My anxiety levels are so high. There is no stress but the fucking anxiety is killing me. It's like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what the hell it is. This emotional exhaustion isn't enough to put me to sleep. It only makes it worse. Oh god, my head is seriously messed up.

Sometimes, I feel if I don't let all these feelings out, I'll turn stone-cold on the inside. So I'm going to blab about them all over here cause I got no one to talk to right now. Anyways, I know it'll work out - hell, it always does. So I'm going to put on my fiercest smile and not let life get to me.

Btw check out "Where are You Now?" by Honor Society. It's awesome.

Also SHOUT OUT to HALIMA ZOHARA for passing her ACCA exams with flying colours. And shout out to ROUA FADL - Welcome back to KL, my biyaatch :)

Follow me on twitter - @xs_sarah

Laugh a Little - This picture always cracks me up no idea why.

Weirdest Adele Impression LOLOL